HSG is scheduled for tomorrow at 1:45 pm; I have to be there at 1 to rock the backless hospital gown.
I'm nervous as hell. Not only was the last one quite amazingly painful, but it was when I got the news about the Asherman's. It sucked. I'm not really looking forward to being in that room again. In fact, my last few visits to this particular hospital campus have not been the funnest experiences ever. Well. It already is what it is in there, it's just me knowing, right? And I always have to know.
In a few more months it'll be a cool two years since we started TTC #2. I won't say it's been a miserable two years, far from it! Over this time Small Boy has transformed from a toddling baby to a sturdy preschooler, full of ideas and plans and words and strategies. He's got enormous grey eyes and delts sculpted from playground tumbling and long, long legs on a rather short torso (sorry, kid, that one's all me). Sometimes it hurts how much I love him.
Other good stuff has happened. We got another four years of Obama, and my state got marriage equality, which means a tremendous amount to me.
It hasn't been the easiest two years, either. It's certainly had its moments. The ultrasound moment when the doctor said "I don't see a heartbeat. I'm sorry," feels like it's preserved in amber, but I hope that someday it will quietly dissolve. The actual aftermath was not as terrible as that moment. In retrospect, it is something I'm kind of proud of. I worked, I researched, I stuck to my guns about the misoprostol. I was given a humane amount of pain relief and it was over quickly. I'm even glad I got to hold those two rather revolting little sea monkeys (although the positive nature of that experience was perhaps influenced by the aforementioned "humane amount of pain relief"). They were grody, but they were mine. I don't know if they were people. I know to some they would've been. But it's possible that they just weren't equipped to be people, they simply didn't have what they needed, there was no world in which they would've been people because they were just missing some vital ingredients.
I mean, it's also possible that they were perfect and my stupid Asherman-y uterus killed them, but whatevs. I can't know. I could've known, maybe, if I'd gone ahead and had the D&C so I could've had an analysis of the fetal tissue. But what would it have changed? I'd have been risking a future actual child in order to know more about what happened to these. So I guess I don't always have to know.
So here we are. In a lot of ways I'm in the best place I've been for two years. Calmer, happier, healthier. Ready to roll the dice two more times, and then, if I must, to put them down and walk away.
Gulp. Tomorrow I start rattlin' the bones.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Beta 3: 22dpo/17dp5dt
Third beta was 2992, with a doubling time of 56 hours. I'm told that it's normal for the doubling time to slow a bit. Nevertheless, I am nervous as a bag of cats. I don't like that the slope of the line is changing so much -- but it's still within normal range.
Keep going, Awesome Embryo. Just hang in there.
Ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday. Holy shit.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Day 5 embryo report
2 expanded blast (will be frozen)
7 early blasts, 6 fair, one poor
2 morulas
1 9+ cells
3 no change, on probation
2 no change, discarded
The early blasts and possibly the morulas are still in the game for Day 6. But at least we've got two safely in the freezer.
It's not what I'd fantasized about (I imagined my nurse's voice saying "all 9 were beautiful and we froze them!"), but it's far better than I'd feared (i.e., nothing to freeze, a big waste of a cycle).
*chews nails*
7 early blasts, 6 fair, one poor
2 morulas
1 9+ cells
3 no change, on probation
2 no change, discarded
The early blasts and possibly the morulas are still in the game for Day 6. But at least we've got two safely in the freezer.
It's not what I'd fantasized about (I imagined my nurse's voice saying "all 9 were beautiful and we froze them!"), but it's far better than I'd feared (i.e., nothing to freeze, a big waste of a cycle).
*chews nails*
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Days 5 and 6 of stims
Yesterday, my E2 was a measly 194. I'm on track for my worst (least egg-ful) cycle ever.
My head is full of broken glass. I'm spending most of my time desperately trying not to think.
My head is full of broken glass. I'm spending most of my time desperately trying not to think.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
And here we go.
Good:
Ungood:
Although my FSH was a fine 7.4, my E2 (estrogen) was an elevated 104. WTH? Last October, four short months ago, I had perfectly wonderful stats of E2 43, FSH 5.9. What the heck? I mean, I did have a birthday in the meantime, but I was sort of hoping that my ovaries wouldn't notice me sliding into a different age bracket (most clinics have a category of "38 and up"). I guess they noticed.
I just can't help but feel like that last miscarriage kind of broke me.
- My blood pressure is (after vigorous application of medication) back in a range that will allow me to pursue fertility treatment.
- At today's CD3 appointment, my antral follicle count was 20, which is pretty great for an old lady like me.
Ungood:
Although my FSH was a fine 7.4, my E2 (estrogen) was an elevated 104. WTH? Last October, four short months ago, I had perfectly wonderful stats of E2 43, FSH 5.9. What the heck? I mean, I did have a birthday in the meantime, but I was sort of hoping that my ovaries wouldn't notice me sliding into a different age bracket (most clinics have a category of "38 and up"). I guess they noticed.
I just can't help but feel like that last miscarriage kind of broke me.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Fingers crossed
The senior director for benefits at {my very large employer} is confident that it's a mixup, so I feel a fair bit better. I know I move to "what if" too quickly, but I'm just crappy at waiting and seeing, you know? Far more important to start freaking out immediately.
So -- there is hope. Everything crossed.
ETA: After the official email, the director wrote me a separate email, wishing us success and a baby in 2012. I'm all verklempt. I do love my workplace sometimes.
So -- there is hope. Everything crossed.
ETA: After the official email, the director wrote me a separate email, wishing us success and a baby in 2012. I'm all verklempt. I do love my workplace sometimes.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Errrrrrrrrrrrgh.
The good:
Meeting with Big Shiny Fertility Factory doctor went well. I can work with him. He had some good things to say and wasn't put off by my knowing a lot of doctor-words. Some doctors hate it when you use doctor-words.
Not so good:
My insurance has kicked me back as not having IVF coverage, because I am not married and am using donor sperm. Now, I did check with my Benefits department in 2008 to make sure that this insurance plan covered the same as my other insurance plan (i.e., without regard to marital status or donor sperm). I was told that they did, which is why I switched my insurance. Now I'm being told differently. This is, quite literally, the $20,000 question.
If I'm not covered then. Well. I can wait a year, and switch back to my old insurance, on which I have one cycle remaining. Waiting a year is not a great idea when you're 38, not if you actually want to have a baby.
We could take out loans and pay out of pocket. This is, obviously, a major commitment, and not one that Her Indoors and I necessarily see eye-to-eye on.
We could try again at home, using sperm from a different donor. This would make me sad, because I'd love Small Boy to have a full genetic sibling.
I'm kind of in a blind panic about the insurance coverage, angry at myself for not double-triple-quadruple-checking, angry that this, this could be what determines our family size, angry that we are so dependent upon others, angry, angry, angry that the last pregnancy didn't stick around when maybe it was my last chance or close to it.
I've got an email out to the Head Benefits Muk-a-Muk. Until I hear back about that I'm going to be on the knife edge.
Did I mention angry?
Meeting with Big Shiny Fertility Factory doctor went well. I can work with him. He had some good things to say and wasn't put off by my knowing a lot of doctor-words. Some doctors hate it when you use doctor-words.
Not so good:
My insurance has kicked me back as not having IVF coverage, because I am not married and am using donor sperm. Now, I did check with my Benefits department in 2008 to make sure that this insurance plan covered the same as my other insurance plan (i.e., without regard to marital status or donor sperm). I was told that they did, which is why I switched my insurance. Now I'm being told differently. This is, quite literally, the $20,000 question.
If I'm not covered then. Well. I can wait a year, and switch back to my old insurance, on which I have one cycle remaining. Waiting a year is not a great idea when you're 38, not if you actually want to have a baby.
We could take out loans and pay out of pocket. This is, obviously, a major commitment, and not one that Her Indoors and I necessarily see eye-to-eye on.
We could try again at home, using sperm from a different donor. This would make me sad, because I'd love Small Boy to have a full genetic sibling.
I'm kind of in a blind panic about the insurance coverage, angry at myself for not double-triple-quadruple-checking, angry that this, this could be what determines our family size, angry that we are so dependent upon others, angry, angry, angry that the last pregnancy didn't stick around when maybe it was my last chance or close to it.
I've got an email out to the Head Benefits Muk-a-Muk. Until I hear back about that I'm going to be on the knife edge.
Did I mention angry?
Saturday, November 19, 2011
14DPO Beta results
Beta: 89.7
Progesterone: 88.5
Still holding my breath. I'm surprised it was as low as that, given my test sticks. For my miscarriage, my 14dpo beta was 74. For my successful pregnancy, it was 115. So this result is pretty much halfway between the two.
I have burned holes with my eyes looking at this chart. That chart is for 15dpo, and would give me about an 85% chance of live birth. My hope is just that this is a rising number, not a falling number. I got such a dark line so early -- maybe twins that resolved to a singleton? Or maybe twins that resolved to... yeah.
Someone just put me into cryogenic sleep until Monday afternoon, please.
Progesterone: 88.5
Still holding my breath. I'm surprised it was as low as that, given my test sticks. For my miscarriage, my 14dpo beta was 74. For my successful pregnancy, it was 115. So this result is pretty much halfway between the two.
I have burned holes with my eyes looking at this chart. That chart is for 15dpo, and would give me about an 85% chance of live birth. My hope is just that this is a rising number, not a falling number. I got such a dark line so early -- maybe twins that resolved to a singleton? Or maybe twins that resolved to... yeah.
Someone just put me into cryogenic sleep until Monday afternoon, please.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
5dp5dt
Line lighter this morning? I know, I need to just put the pee sticks away and stand back. Breathe until the beta on Saturday.
But oh, the familiar familiar crazy. It's like my brain was just waiting to pop into the groove of the crazy-track.
Just gotta stay loose. HAHAHA. Just got to keep breathing. That I can do.
But oh, the familiar familiar crazy. It's like my brain was just waiting to pop into the groove of the crazy-track.
Just gotta stay loose. HAHAHA. Just got to keep breathing. That I can do.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
CD 11, stims day 9
Not so great an appointment. My lining has somehow magically shrunk to 7.5. Where did it go? A few follicles around 14.
I don't understand why I'm getting the craptastic linings lately. I hate this. I hate the rollercoaster. I hate the endless appointments, waiting and waiting and waiting in the doctor's office (40 minutes this morning, an hour and a half on Monday) and then waiting and waiting at the lab, I hate waiting for the phone call to see what my lab results are, I hate slipping into work after unexplained disappearances and hoping that no one noticed, blood draw after blood draw, I hate this, I hate this.
sigh.
It's okay. I know I'm actually lucky, super lucky that this is a torture I can freely choose, and have chosen. I just wish it sucked less.
E2: 648
LH: 7.7 (elevated)
I don't understand why I'm getting the craptastic linings lately. I hate this. I hate the rollercoaster. I hate the endless appointments, waiting and waiting and waiting in the doctor's office (40 minutes this morning, an hour and a half on Monday) and then waiting and waiting at the lab, I hate waiting for the phone call to see what my lab results are, I hate slipping into work after unexplained disappearances and hoping that no one noticed, blood draw after blood draw, I hate this, I hate this.
sigh.
It's okay. I know I'm actually lucky, super lucky that this is a torture I can freely choose, and have chosen. I just wish it sucked less.
E2: 648
LH: 7.7 (elevated)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
9w ultrasound
Yesterday was the 9w ultrasound, our graduation from the RE. The whole experience was less dramatic and less traumatic; I knew to tilt my hips immediately, thus avoiding the OWOWOW drama.
In short: there is a critter in there, it is the right size, it has a heart and (I am assured) a head. My sweetheart and the doctor both said they could see limb buds, but I think they were lying.
Here's the ultrasound, if you like that kind of thing!
It was best described as "fetus in a snowstorm". The enormous round thing off to the left (far bigger than the fetus or sac) is an ovarian cyst... doc thinks it should start to recede in a week or so.
We have an OB appointment next Wednesday.
Yesterday I was just shaking and exhausted and happy after having had every muscle in my body tense for a week or so, out of fear of the 9w ultrasound. And now..?
If I'm happy, is that arrogant? Does that assure that something's going to go wrong to knock me out of my smugness? I am haunted by this happy chirpy post I made the day before I found out that the pregnancy was over. Logically I know that the happy post didn't make that happen, but my brain is a small primitive animal that links proximal events and sucks at figuring out causation.
If I'm scared, is that ungrateful? So far there has not been one single thing wrong, not one result for me to point to and say "meh". I haven't bled a drop. What more do I want, really? Women would kill to be where I am right now. Shouldn't I just shut up and enjoy it?
I'm covering all my bases by having wild mood swings, from elated to terrified. I'm both gratefully happy and humbly frightened! Of course, that also means I'm ungratefully frightened and arrogantly happy. Welcome to my brain. Over the lintel, in old English letters, it says YOU CANNOT WIN.
I do feel like I can be grateful for one thing: I feel pretty damn good. Morning sickness has been minimal; some waves of low-level nausea, but no pukin', not even close. In fact, I'm eating like a horse; I'm hungry every hour or two. Some waves of exhaustion, but mostly I'm just enjoying the fact that I slip off to sleep easily at 10pm, as my non-pregnant self struggles with insomnia. My breasts are sore, but they don't bother me unless I poke them. Other than the swollen abdomen I'm having a picture-perfect time. This scared me when I thought it meant nobody alive in there, but now that I know it's possible to feel this good and have a good-lookin' fetus I'm grateful for how much I've lucked out so far. My body really seems to like this just fine. GF says I look fantastic*, and I'm inclined to believe her.
And that's the 9w1d story.
Love to all of those who surrounded me with warm words and thoughts on my last post. I love knowing that y'all are out there, and that this tiny scrap of proto-humanity already has friends.
*She may have been looking at my mammary glands when she said that, I don't rightly recall.
In short: there is a critter in there, it is the right size, it has a heart and (I am assured) a head. My sweetheart and the doctor both said they could see limb buds, but I think they were lying.
Here's the ultrasound, if you like that kind of thing!
It was best described as "fetus in a snowstorm". The enormous round thing off to the left (far bigger than the fetus or sac) is an ovarian cyst... doc thinks it should start to recede in a week or so.
We have an OB appointment next Wednesday.
Yesterday I was just shaking and exhausted and happy after having had every muscle in my body tense for a week or so, out of fear of the 9w ultrasound. And now..?
If I'm happy, is that arrogant? Does that assure that something's going to go wrong to knock me out of my smugness? I am haunted by this happy chirpy post I made the day before I found out that the pregnancy was over. Logically I know that the happy post didn't make that happen, but my brain is a small primitive animal that links proximal events and sucks at figuring out causation.
If I'm scared, is that ungrateful? So far there has not been one single thing wrong, not one result for me to point to and say "meh". I haven't bled a drop. What more do I want, really? Women would kill to be where I am right now. Shouldn't I just shut up and enjoy it?
I'm covering all my bases by having wild mood swings, from elated to terrified. I'm both gratefully happy and humbly frightened! Of course, that also means I'm ungratefully frightened and arrogantly happy. Welcome to my brain. Over the lintel, in old English letters, it says YOU CANNOT WIN.
I do feel like I can be grateful for one thing: I feel pretty damn good. Morning sickness has been minimal; some waves of low-level nausea, but no pukin', not even close. In fact, I'm eating like a horse; I'm hungry every hour or two. Some waves of exhaustion, but mostly I'm just enjoying the fact that I slip off to sleep easily at 10pm, as my non-pregnant self struggles with insomnia. My breasts are sore, but they don't bother me unless I poke them. Other than the swollen abdomen I'm having a picture-perfect time. This scared me when I thought it meant nobody alive in there, but now that I know it's possible to feel this good and have a good-lookin' fetus I'm grateful for how much I've lucked out so far. My body really seems to like this just fine. GF says I look fantastic*, and I'm inclined to believe her.
And that's the 9w1d story.
Love to all of those who surrounded me with warm words and thoughts on my last post. I love knowing that y'all are out there, and that this tiny scrap of proto-humanity already has friends.
*She may have been looking at my mammary glands when she said that, I don't rightly recall.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
24DPO beta
3838.
Doubling time: 49.7 hours.
There's no progesterone because I wasn't due for another beta. I've been cramping a whole lot (no spotting though), and my OHSS suddenly got all better, and I was utterly convinced that I was miscarrying again. So I fished out one of the many beta lab slips from my last miscarriage (m/c betas don't care about progesterone). I just waltzed right in and gave it to lab and got my blood sucked. I figure what are they gonna do, put the blood back? Not tell me the results?
Anyway, the take home messages are
I'm going to go home and sob with relief and bury my head in Animal Crossing. I figure this set of results will give me 24-36 hours of relief before the crazy starts up again.
Doubling time: 49.7 hours.
There's no progesterone because I wasn't due for another beta. I've been cramping a whole lot (no spotting though), and my OHSS suddenly got all better, and I was utterly convinced that I was miscarrying again. So I fished out one of the many beta lab slips from my last miscarriage (m/c betas don't care about progesterone). I just waltzed right in and gave it to lab and got my blood sucked. I figure what are they gonna do, put the blood back? Not tell me the results?
Anyway, the take home messages are
- As of 8:30 Thursday morning, I am still pregnant and everything is still in normal range;
- I have truly never been crazier than I am right now.
I'm going to go home and sob with relief and bury my head in Animal Crossing. I figure this set of results will give me 24-36 hours of relief before the crazy starts up again.
Friday, September 19, 2008
4DPO
That's right, ladies and bois. I am 4DPO, which means that I did eventually O on CD25, after only 8 blood draws. I have reached the point where I don't even have to sign into the lab any more. They see me coming and automatically get my paperwork. It's very convenient.
Anyway, I'm rather thrilled that we managed a well-timed insemination this month, despite my ovulatory tardiness. For some reason the IUI was a bloody affair, which was odd because previous ones were almost all smooth as silk. This one didn't hurt terribly, but for some reason I bled. We had to stop for a while (with me cranked open mais oui) to wait for it to slow down so that he could thread in the catheter.
I don't mind though. Difficult embryo transfers are associated with lower success rates, but I haven't found any indication that difficult IUIs are less likely to work. I assume that the 5-10 days between insemination and implantation gives the endometrium plenty of time to relax and heal from whatever trauma is caused by the insemination. Plus, I'm pretty sure it was my cervix, not my uterus that was bleeding.
Still don't know what my plan is for next month if this doesn't work. Another IUI, au natural? IUI with clomid? or plunge straight into the final IVF? I just don't know. The clomid conflicts with my hypertension-induced terror of multiples, but as any pregnancy starts to look fantastically unlikely, so does the fear of twins recede. As far as I know, clomid carries a multiples risk of about 10% of pregnancies (my nieces are clomid twins). Injectibles carry a risk of 18-20%. IVF with double embryo transfer carries a risk of 25-33%.
I just don' t know. A chronic hyptertensive's pre-eclampsia risk with a singleton pregnancy is a terrifying 25%. My age and lack of previous pregnancies add to the risk. Getting pregnant with multiples would increase that even more.
Oh, god. I just read "The highest risk of pre-eclampsia was seen in nulliparous women with MAPs >85 mm Hg at randomization, where the incidence of pre-eclampsia ranged from 32% to 41%". I shouldn't do this at all, should I. I don't care. I have to try. But yeah, I'm seroiusly mad at myself for not doing this when I was younger and less hypertensive. Someone take the internet away from me right now.
Someone say something comforting kay?
Anyway, I'm rather thrilled that we managed a well-timed insemination this month, despite my ovulatory tardiness. For some reason the IUI was a bloody affair, which was odd because previous ones were almost all smooth as silk. This one didn't hurt terribly, but for some reason I bled. We had to stop for a while (with me cranked open mais oui) to wait for it to slow down so that he could thread in the catheter.
I don't mind though. Difficult embryo transfers are associated with lower success rates, but I haven't found any indication that difficult IUIs are less likely to work. I assume that the 5-10 days between insemination and implantation gives the endometrium plenty of time to relax and heal from whatever trauma is caused by the insemination. Plus, I'm pretty sure it was my cervix, not my uterus that was bleeding.
Still don't know what my plan is for next month if this doesn't work. Another IUI, au natural? IUI with clomid? or plunge straight into the final IVF? I just don't know. The clomid conflicts with my hypertension-induced terror of multiples, but as any pregnancy starts to look fantastically unlikely, so does the fear of twins recede. As far as I know, clomid carries a multiples risk of about 10% of pregnancies (my nieces are clomid twins). Injectibles carry a risk of 18-20%. IVF with double embryo transfer carries a risk of 25-33%.
I just don' t know. A chronic hyptertensive's pre-eclampsia risk with a singleton pregnancy is a terrifying 25%. My age and lack of previous pregnancies add to the risk. Getting pregnant with multiples would increase that even more.
Oh, god. I just read "The highest risk of pre-eclampsia was seen in nulliparous women with MAPs >85 mm Hg at randomization, where the incidence of pre-eclampsia ranged from 32% to 41%". I shouldn't do this at all, should I. I don't care. I have to try. But yeah, I'm seroiusly mad at myself for not doing this when I was younger and less hypertensive. Someone take the internet away from me right now.
Someone say something comforting kay?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
4dp3dt: wild mood swings
Things I had at this point last cycle that I don't have now:
Things I have now that I didn't have at this point last cycle:
Stuff I'm grateful for:
I am careening wildly between believing that this IVF worked and being sure it didn't. Stared at the baby stuff in Ikea last night, but also planned in great detail how and where I'm going to cry if it's negative. On the whole, considering how batshit crazy progesterone makes me, I'm doing okay.
- Heartburn
- Lots of cramps
- OHSS
- A sore bum from the progesterone shots
Things I have now that I didn't have at this point last cycle:
- The ability to stand up straight
- Possibly a few little tiny cramps that disappear in the surge of adrenalin as soon as I pay any attention to them
- A numb bum/upper thigh from the progesterone shots.
Stuff I'm grateful for:
- One of my 8-celled embryos turned into... wait for it... a 5AA hatching blast! It was cryo'd on Monday, I believe. I'm stunned and grateful. I really didn't think I was going to get anything frozen out of this cycle. As me old mam used to say, there's no security like embryos in the bank.
- As I type, some sturdy young men are installing our new Ikea kitchen. So! excited! Soon we will have actual cabinet space, and counter space, and ev'rything. Cannot wait. It's wonderfully distracting. I may not be able to will the world into giving me a baby, but dammit, I can with certain success go out and get myself a kitchen.
- All the people who left me "fingers crossed"-type comments. Knowing that there are all these people out there pulling for us -- it's. well. it's nice. Really nice.
I am careening wildly between believing that this IVF worked and being sure it didn't. Stared at the baby stuff in Ikea last night, but also planned in great detail how and where I'm going to cry if it's negative. On the whole, considering how batshit crazy progesterone makes me, I'm doing okay.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Fertilization Report
The good news: 8 were mature.
The bad news: only 4 fertilized, even with ICSI.
Heading for a three day transfer, if one makes it.
God this cycle sucks. Do I have to chose between being having OHSS and barely/not making it to transfer?
I'm sure my mood will come around but right now I just feel so goddamn sad. Sad that this all has to be so painful and difficult and scary and expensive. Scared of what will happen when we run out our last covered cycle and have to look at raising (read: borrowing) the money.
And of course the chances are that we won't have multiple high-quality embryos, which will greatly up the pressure to transfer more than one, and I've already decided that we can't do that, we just can't. But it will make it all the more painful knowing that our chances are farther reduced from last time, and will torment me all the more if it doesn't work. 3 day transfers are less successful (possibly because people who do 3 day transfers generally have fewer embryos to choose from, fewer eggs, lower quality).
I don't know. I'm sore and I'm sad and I just don't know what to do.
The bad news: only 4 fertilized, even with ICSI.
Heading for a three day transfer, if one makes it.
God this cycle sucks. Do I have to chose between being having OHSS and barely/not making it to transfer?
I'm sure my mood will come around but right now I just feel so goddamn sad. Sad that this all has to be so painful and difficult and scary and expensive. Scared of what will happen when we run out our last covered cycle and have to look at raising (read: borrowing) the money.
And of course the chances are that we won't have multiple high-quality embryos, which will greatly up the pressure to transfer more than one, and I've already decided that we can't do that, we just can't. But it will make it all the more painful knowing that our chances are farther reduced from last time, and will torment me all the more if it doesn't work. 3 day transfers are less successful (possibly because people who do 3 day transfers generally have fewer embryos to choose from, fewer eggs, lower quality).
I don't know. I'm sore and I'm sad and I just don't know what to do.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Day 6 of stims: word problems.
Someday I will do something and not worry myself sick about it. Then the world will probably end. Feel free to finish your coffee, though, since it's not going to happen any time soon.
This IVF cycle is a whole 'nuther ballgame. The lower dose (150 Follistim, 75 Menopur) plus the metformin seem to have dialed my response way back. My E2 on Day 4 was only 134. I'll find out today's later on. We only saw 7 follicles on today's scan.
Reasons this is good:
Egg retrieval will likely be less painful/incapacitating
Very unlikely that I'll hyperstimulate and be painfully immobilized for two weeks
Reasons this is not good:
Fewer eggs is, well, fewer eggs. Last time: 25 eggs > 21 mature eggs > 16 fertilized > 15 embryos > 6 blastocysts.
This represents 84% mature, 76% fertilization, 94% make it to embryo, 40% make it to blast.
If identical numbers this time (leaving aside the absurdity of embryo fractions... believe me, you don't want your embryos fractured): 7 follicles > 5.88 mature > 4.48 fertilized > 4.2 embryo > 1.68 blast. If that actually means 6 mature > 5 fertlized > 4 embryo > 2 blast then I have one to transfer and one to freeze. But as you can see, there's very little wiggle room, a decent chance I won't have any to freeze, and even a possibility I won't have anything to transfer. If that happens I'll defrost one of my Tiny Frozen Americans, but it would be galling to have this cycle, the second of my three chances, be a bust.
ETA: E2 -- 445. Dunno. Seems low to me.
This IVF cycle is a whole 'nuther ballgame. The lower dose (150 Follistim, 75 Menopur) plus the metformin seem to have dialed my response way back. My E2 on Day 4 was only 134. I'll find out today's later on. We only saw 7 follicles on today's scan.
Reasons this is good:
Egg retrieval will likely be less painful/incapacitating
Very unlikely that I'll hyperstimulate and be painfully immobilized for two weeks
Reasons this is not good:
Fewer eggs is, well, fewer eggs. Last time: 25 eggs > 21 mature eggs > 16 fertilized > 15 embryos > 6 blastocysts.
This represents 84% mature, 76% fertilization, 94% make it to embryo, 40% make it to blast.
If identical numbers this time (leaving aside the absurdity of embryo fractions... believe me, you don't want your embryos fractured): 7 follicles > 5.88 mature > 4.48 fertilized > 4.2 embryo > 1.68 blast. If that actually means 6 mature > 5 fertlized > 4 embryo > 2 blast then I have one to transfer and one to freeze. But as you can see, there's very little wiggle room, a decent chance I won't have any to freeze, and even a possibility I won't have anything to transfer. If that happens I'll defrost one of my Tiny Frozen Americans, but it would be galling to have this cycle, the second of my three chances, be a bust.
ETA: E2 -- 445. Dunno. Seems low to me.
Friday, April 18, 2008
The report at 16dpo/11dp5dt
Beta report: still didn't double, but did rise.
12dpo/7dp5dt: 45
14dp/9dp5dt: 74
16dpo/11dp5dt: 120
Doubling time is 69 hours. Still, as friend Rebecca usefully reminded me, less than 72 hours is within normal range. of course I was hoping it would be a robust and comforting 48 hours, but still within normal range, still within normal range, still within normal range, I'm going to keep saying that until I believe it. Oh hey, how did I get the beta, you might ask, when I wasn't scheduled for one until Sunday? My dear wife reminded me that I had the (undated) lab slip and that all I had to do was sashay in, hand over the lab slip, and get the blood drawn. What're they going to do, cram the blood back into my veins? Then I called the RE's office and explained to the nice girl that I needed another lab slip for Sunday because I used the one I had been given today. Oops. I think she thinks I'm a bit of a loon, but who cares? She got me another lab slip.
Cramping and spotting report: Uterine cramps are still low-level and steady, with the occasional one that really makes me wince. Spotting is also steady but extremely light. I'm not too worried about those, as both seem common enough. Some women cramp steadily through the first trimester, apparently.
OHSS report: don't ask. Fortunately, the stomach cramps have been radically reduced by switching to an entirely liquid diet and eating (sipping) small amounts every hour or two. Unfortunately, this includes the night time -- if I don't put something in there every few hours I wake up feeling like I've got hedgehogs moshing in my stomach. I have learned, however, that Ensure is surprisingly tasty.
Hospital staff report: Inappropriate Lab Administrative Assistant was on duty today, the one who cheerfully told me on Wednesday (when my stomach was smaller than it was today) that I look six months pregnant. I am not walking these days so much as I am scuttling, since I can't come anywhere near to standing up straight. So today I crab walk my way in to get my bloodwork and the dialogue proceeds thusly:
IALAA: What's wrong with you?
Me, dumbfounded: I have ten pounds of extra fluid in my abdominal cavity.
IALAA: Oh. Is that a good thing?
Me: No.
IALAA: Huh.
Now, she works at a blood lab in a hospital. Presumably the hospital is full of sick people who walk funny because they're, you know, sick, or hurt or something. Does she really ask all of them what's wrong? Because I think what she should do is take people's lab slips and show them into the blood draw rooms and tell them to have a nice day.
Freaky fact: by some reckoning, 16dpo/11dp5dt = 4 weeks 3 days pregnant. Can't think of it that way yet.
Career report: I told my boss yesterday that I definitely wouldn't be in until Monday, and I don't know what I'll do if I still can't walk/eat/etc by then. Go to work with my grossly distended abdomen and explain to every single person why I can't walk? Take even more sick time? I have plenty of accrued time, but of course it's never politically neutral to take it. I may just have to say fuck it to all that, though. I'm not sure I'll be able to sit at a desk come Monday.
I have thought a bit about being a lesbian going through fertility treatments as opposed to being part of a straight couple going through fertility treatments. The people I work with are great, but I'm just not sure that I could expect sympathy and support for doing something that is so very outside of their frame of reference. I can so clearly imagine the puzzled stares: if she wants kids so badly, then why did she become a lesbian?
Gratitude report: I'm grateful for all the lovely, lovely comments I've gotten on my blog. I'm unutterably grateful that right this second I am pregnant. I am grateful that my BFF has secured for me a Wii. Her offer came at a time when I was feeling particularly physically wretched and thus entitled to any amusement I desired. I really think I've been trying to get a Wii for just about as long as I've been trying to get pregnant, although not with as concerted an effort (I stubbornly refused to pay more than the base price of a non-bundled unit).
Final score: I'm scared and uncomfortable but I think I'm winning.
12dpo/7dp5dt: 45
14dp/9dp5dt: 74
16dpo/11dp5dt: 120
Doubling time is 69 hours. Still, as friend Rebecca usefully reminded me, less than 72 hours is within normal range. of course I was hoping it would be a robust and comforting 48 hours, but still within normal range, still within normal range, still within normal range, I'm going to keep saying that until I believe it. Oh hey, how did I get the beta, you might ask, when I wasn't scheduled for one until Sunday? My dear wife reminded me that I had the (undated) lab slip and that all I had to do was sashay in, hand over the lab slip, and get the blood drawn. What're they going to do, cram the blood back into my veins? Then I called the RE's office and explained to the nice girl that I needed another lab slip for Sunday because I used the one I had been given today. Oops. I think she thinks I'm a bit of a loon, but who cares? She got me another lab slip.
Cramping and spotting report: Uterine cramps are still low-level and steady, with the occasional one that really makes me wince. Spotting is also steady but extremely light. I'm not too worried about those, as both seem common enough. Some women cramp steadily through the first trimester, apparently.
OHSS report: don't ask. Fortunately, the stomach cramps have been radically reduced by switching to an entirely liquid diet and eating (sipping) small amounts every hour or two. Unfortunately, this includes the night time -- if I don't put something in there every few hours I wake up feeling like I've got hedgehogs moshing in my stomach. I have learned, however, that Ensure is surprisingly tasty.
Hospital staff report: Inappropriate Lab Administrative Assistant was on duty today, the one who cheerfully told me on Wednesday (when my stomach was smaller than it was today) that I look six months pregnant. I am not walking these days so much as I am scuttling, since I can't come anywhere near to standing up straight. So today I crab walk my way in to get my bloodwork and the dialogue proceeds thusly:
IALAA: What's wrong with you?
Me, dumbfounded: I have ten pounds of extra fluid in my abdominal cavity.
IALAA: Oh. Is that a good thing?
Me: No.
IALAA: Huh.
Now, she works at a blood lab in a hospital. Presumably the hospital is full of sick people who walk funny because they're, you know, sick, or hurt or something. Does she really ask all of them what's wrong? Because I think what she should do is take people's lab slips and show them into the blood draw rooms and tell them to have a nice day.
Freaky fact: by some reckoning, 16dpo/11dp5dt = 4 weeks 3 days pregnant. Can't think of it that way yet.
Career report: I told my boss yesterday that I definitely wouldn't be in until Monday, and I don't know what I'll do if I still can't walk/eat/etc by then. Go to work with my grossly distended abdomen and explain to every single person why I can't walk? Take even more sick time? I have plenty of accrued time, but of course it's never politically neutral to take it. I may just have to say fuck it to all that, though. I'm not sure I'll be able to sit at a desk come Monday.
I have thought a bit about being a lesbian going through fertility treatments as opposed to being part of a straight couple going through fertility treatments. The people I work with are great, but I'm just not sure that I could expect sympathy and support for doing something that is so very outside of their frame of reference. I can so clearly imagine the puzzled stares: if she wants kids so badly, then why did she become a lesbian?
Gratitude report: I'm grateful for all the lovely, lovely comments I've gotten on my blog. I'm unutterably grateful that right this second I am pregnant. I am grateful that my BFF has secured for me a Wii. Her offer came at a time when I was feeling particularly physically wretched and thus entitled to any amusement I desired. I really think I've been trying to get a Wii for just about as long as I've been trying to get pregnant, although not with as concerted an effort (I stubbornly refused to pay more than the base price of a non-bundled unit).
Final score: I'm scared and uncomfortable but I think I'm winning.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
still in the game
Monday's beta (12:30pm): 45
Wednesday's beta (8am): 74
Doubling time: 67 hours
not great, but not a disaster. i'm still in the game.
OHSS symptoms: completely miserable. Can't walk, eat, or breathe properly. My stomach looks like I'm six months pregnant. In fact, when I got my blood drawn today (for the second time today, third time this week) the technician thought I was six months pregnant.
Emergency doctor's appointment yielded: ovaries are the size of potatoes, are touching, are so big that they're pushed up into my intestines which are in turn pressing on my diaphragm. This is probably the source of my stomach cramps, nausea, and breathing problems.
in good news, the uterine cramps are still occasional but are low-key, and the spotting has slowed right down.
No new beta until Sunday. In a word, ARRGH. anyone know where I can get a black-market quantitative beta?
Wednesday's beta (8am): 74
Doubling time: 67 hours
not great, but not a disaster. i'm still in the game.
OHSS symptoms: completely miserable. Can't walk, eat, or breathe properly. My stomach looks like I'm six months pregnant. In fact, when I got my blood drawn today (for the second time today, third time this week) the technician thought I was six months pregnant.
Emergency doctor's appointment yielded: ovaries are the size of potatoes, are touching, are so big that they're pushed up into my intestines which are in turn pressing on my diaphragm. This is probably the source of my stomach cramps, nausea, and breathing problems.
in good news, the uterine cramps are still occasional but are low-key, and the spotting has slowed right down.
No new beta until Sunday. In a word, ARRGH. anyone know where I can get a black-market quantitative beta?
Monday, April 14, 2008
7dp5dt: watch me not freak out
cramps. spotting. three fainter peesticks tonight. more dilute urine maybe? maybe? please?
did get blood drawn for a beta today, so we'll see.
also, have myself an extremely uncomfortable case of OHSS. can't stand up straight, can't inhale deeply, can't bend over, can't walk quickly. it'll be worth it, unless it isn't.
big presentation tomorrow morning for a project we've been working on for months. my brain could not be less present -- and oh yeah, i'll be curled over the podium. that won't look weird.
gahhhhhhhh.
did get blood drawn for a beta today, so we'll see.
also, have myself an extremely uncomfortable case of OHSS. can't stand up straight, can't inhale deeply, can't bend over, can't walk quickly. it'll be worth it, unless it isn't.
big presentation tomorrow morning for a project we've been working on for months. my brain could not be less present -- and oh yeah, i'll be curled over the podium. that won't look weird.
gahhhhhhhh.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
3dp5dt: pain in the ass
My ass, that is, and I'm talking about the progesterone here.
I must be a real wimp. See, I don't have the dread progesterone in oil, which everyone knows is incredibly painful. I have progesterone in ethyl oleate, nice and thin, which can be injected with a slender 25ga needle. Furthermore, I have my deft-handed darling to inject me, which she does skillfully and nearly painlessly. I do not have a single bruise on my alabaster bottom.
Nevertheless I feel like I've been kicked in the arse hard, once on each cheek. My work chair is thankfully pretty comfortable (a Herman Miller Aeron mesh -- I know, very dot com), but my car seat hurts, our dining room chair hurt, and most notably, toilet seats hurt. And there is just no way around that last one.
Maybe it's a real estate issue. I am far from being a skinny young thing; my BMI classifies me firmly as "overweight", although not obese. But, despite my general adipososity, my bottom is amazingly flat and small. There isn't that much to sink a 1.5" long needle into. Hurm.
Today is a sad day. I woke up feeling sad. Then I came to work and realized that I'd missed a meeting that had been rescheduled. I'd been informed, of course, but had failed to transfer that information to my calendar. Durrr indeed.
I dunno. I'm trying to keep loose, here, but right now I just feel... sad. I blame the progesterone.
Please use space below to whine and keep me company.
I must be a real wimp. See, I don't have the dread progesterone in oil, which everyone knows is incredibly painful. I have progesterone in ethyl oleate, nice and thin, which can be injected with a slender 25ga needle. Furthermore, I have my deft-handed darling to inject me, which she does skillfully and nearly painlessly. I do not have a single bruise on my alabaster bottom.
Nevertheless I feel like I've been kicked in the arse hard, once on each cheek. My work chair is thankfully pretty comfortable (a Herman Miller Aeron mesh -- I know, very dot com), but my car seat hurts, our dining room chair hurt, and most notably, toilet seats hurt. And there is just no way around that last one.
Maybe it's a real estate issue. I am far from being a skinny young thing; my BMI classifies me firmly as "overweight", although not obese. But, despite my general adipososity, my bottom is amazingly flat and small. There isn't that much to sink a 1.5" long needle into. Hurm.
Today is a sad day. I woke up feeling sad. Then I came to work and realized that I'd missed a meeting that had been rescheduled. I'd been informed, of course, but had failed to transfer that information to my calendar. Durrr indeed.
I dunno. I'm trying to keep loose, here, but right now I just feel... sad. I blame the progesterone.
Please use space below to whine and keep me company.
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