Beta #3: still truckin' along

952, for a doubling time of 44.23.  No complaints.

Ultrasound a week from Monday..

from 19dpo-22dpo:

from 16dpo-22dpo:

 

gulp.

19dpo: a surprise comeback?

Recap: After coming out of the gate strong with good pee-sticks, she managed to muff the first fence, scraping over beta #1 with a score of less than 100. Her form has improved considerably between the first and second fence. Beta #2 came back at a very respectable 308, for a doubling time of 44 hours.  She's clearly rattled by the first fence, but let's not write her off just yet. This one may yet have a chance.

Okay, I'll... stop talking about myself in the third person as if I were a horse now. I'm a little punchy and adrenaline-y. My heart was pounding as I clicked open that email.

So! Here I am. Her Indoors is going away on a trip and then I'm going away on a trip so I get to learn how to give myself IM injections. Thank goodness my bum's mostly numb by now.

I'm grateful. What I wanted was either

1) A clearly good results, like this, or
2) A clearly bad results.

And, of course, I rather preferred #1.

I dreaded getting a 180, a 200, something like that -- not quite low enough to pull the plug immediately, but far too low to be healthy. So I'm damn grateful.

Next beta on Thursday.

This round officially over

Official negative beta. It's not like I didn't know it was coming.

I was -- amused? -- to realized why I was so sure I was pregnant. It's because, prior this, I have had six transfers. For those six transfers, only one of them was an outright negative. One was a chemical, and the other four were positives.

Furthermore, my frank negative cycle was in 2008. So I basically have no idea what the side effects of progesterone are like in the absence of pregnancy. I mean everyone told me that "progesterone makes you feel like you're pregnant", but I rather poo-pooed that -- I mean by now I surely can tell the difference, right? Those heavy cramps and heartburn, that's totally a pregnant thing.

Yeahno. Everyone's right. It's just progesterone. Good thing to remember for the future, I guess.

Not 12 weeks

Today I'm not 12 weeks. 12 weeks, the last week of the first trimester, the time when most people start sharing the news. I'd be scheduling my nuchal screen.

I'll stop this self-pitying countdown eventually, I'm sure. I'll just forget one day, and not remember until Thursday or Friday or something. I'm not trying to be mopey about it. It's just Wednesdays are hard not to count.

My body is apparently remembering by offering a fresh bright red bleed. I guess it's good? I mean, action is good, right? And maybe it'll help my beta come down, in case there's a wee clump of trophoblastic tissue somewhere generating hCG.  My pee sticks aren't notably lighter, which makes me grumpy. Last Friday my beta was 467; recheck in two weeks.

Here is my riddle: how is a BFN different than a chemical pregnancy different from a 6 week miscarriage different from an 8 week miscarriage?  After all, they all end up in the same place: unpregnant.

I am not sentimental about embryos. With eyes focused on the bottom line (i.e. chances of success) I have always pushed for the production and cryopreservation of as many embryos as possible. If we have any left over, I will cheerfully donate them to Science.  If I am not sentimental about embryos suspended in cryoprotectant, then why be sentimental about embryos in my uterus, or no longer in my uterus?

There is a difference, and that difference is the difference between missing a bus by seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks. How hard my heart was pounding, how much I thought I'd make it, how ferociously I clench my fists and dig my nails in frustration.

A BFN is missing the bus by weeks, I think. A pre-heartbeat loss is missing it by days, and a post-heartbeat loss is missing it by hours. I can only pray with all my heathen heart that I never experience missing this particular bus by minutes or seconds.

Beta 3: 22dpo/17dp5dt

Third beta was 2992, with a doubling time of 56 hours. I'm told that it's normal for the doubling time to slow a bit. Nevertheless, I am nervous as a bag of cats. I don't like that the slope of the line is changing so much -- but it's still within normal range.

Keep going, Awesome Embryo. Just hang in there.

Ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday. Holy shit.

That's what I'm talkin' about. (Beta 2:19dpo/14dp5dt)

My favorite bit isn't the normal -- this particular chart is very liberal with the "normal", and my two miscarriage betas squeaked in under the wire with a doubling time of ~69 hours. No, it's the 40.87 hours. That really is normal.

I'm dizzy with relief. Next beta Thursday. Rock on, little embryo. So far you are doing awesome.

Beta day

At 9dp5dt (14 dpo): 161!

For those not on the crazy train, my miscarriage betas were 74 and 89. The chemical pregnancy was an 8, and Small Boy was 115.

My next beta won't be until Monday (wtf??? RE Y U HATE ME) All y'all keep your fingers crossed for an appropriately rising level. But... so far, so good.

Until then, happy turkey day to them as eats turkey!

Day 3 of stims

After two days of 225 Follistim/75 Menopur, my E2 was a measly 64. My dosages were upped to 300/150, and we'll see what that knocks out of my ovaries.  Some people say that if your first E2 level is bad you should just pack up and go home; I don't know that I believe that, given that my low-initial-response cycle is also the one that ended up with the creature who is currently bellowing a rather atonal punk cover of "Old MacDonald" in my ear.

I'm just trying not to look at anything but the ground right underneath my feet.

And here we go.

Good:

1. My blood pressure is (after vigorous application of medication) back in a range that will allow me to pursue fertility treatment.
2. At today's CD3 appointment, my antral follicle count was 20, which is pretty great for an old lady like me.

Ungood:
Although my FSH was a fine 7.4, my E2 (estrogen) was an elevated 104.  WTH? Last October, four short months ago, I had perfectly wonderful stats of E2 43, FSH 5.9. What the heck? I mean, I did have a birthday in the meantime, but I was sort of hoping that my ovaries wouldn't notice me sliding into a different age bracket (most clinics have a category of "38 and up"). I guess they noticed.

I just can't help but feel like that last miscarriage kind of broke me.

Beta #3

hcg: 255
progesterone:  65

Doubling time: 58 hours.

Not worse. Better. Still not perfect, but... better is better.

Hallo, hope. Is that you?

14DPO Beta results

Beta: 89.7
Progesterone: 88.5

Still holding my breath. I'm surprised it was as low as that, given my test sticks.  For my miscarriage, my 14dpo beta was 74. For my successful pregnancy, it was 115. So this result is pretty much halfway between the two.

I have burned holes with my eyes looking at this chart. That chart is for 15dpo, and would give me about an 85% chance of live birth. My hope is just that this is a rising number, not a falling number. I got such a dark line so early -- maybe twins that resolved to a singleton? Or maybe twins that resolved to... yeah.

Someone just put me into cryogenic sleep until Monday afternoon, please.

Stims Day 10: The Rollercoaster Continues

So yesterday, I was sad. I went to see my spiritual adviser acupuncturist, with whom I thankfully had an appointment that afternoon. She hmmmmmed and felt my pulses and needled me here and there and let me drip tears on her table. I love her.

She then advised me to do some visualization, eat red meat, wear some red, and soak my feet in hot water. I wandered down to a local hippie-dippy shop and bought some red candles and a red scarf. Then I went home and had a spicy dinner, soaked my feet, chugged 2 oz of wheatgrass juice, and went to bed.

This morning, my lining was 9.1-9.5, with a triple stripe pattern.

Who the hell saw that coming? Overnight! I don't know whether to credit the acupuncture, the wheatgrass, the visualization, or, you know, possibly the Follistim. I don't care. My lining is where it needs to be and I am delighted. One more hurdle, cleared.

The next hurdle: defrosting. I'm pretty nervous about that. Maybe I should eat pomegranate. I totally need someone to lead my embryos out of the frozen underworld.

E2: 964
LH: 31

CD 9, Stims Day 7

Things are proceeding apace. On Saturday (CD 7/Stims day 5) my lining was 6.something, and I had about 5 follicles in the 8-10 range. Now, on Monday, my lining is 8 (yay!) but the follicles are still only 9-11. Depending on the bloodwork, I suspect that we may be jacking up the dose in order to hurry the follicles along. 

All this rigmarole is for the sole benefit of my lining, so I'm glad that it looks like the stims are helping. I think my body's not a big fan of estrogen pills. I know my brain chemistry isn't.


Stims day 5 E2: 176
Stims day 7 E2:298. Raising Follistim dose to 150iu.

CD3: Hip hip hooray! FET #2.5 starts today!

Before I start getting excited about FET #2.5, I have something marvelous to celebrate:

Goldie is here! Goldie is the daughter of Olive and Fern from Insert Metaphor. I've been 'net friends with them for years, literally years. Difficult years.

Olive first left a comment on my blog in February of 2008. We were embarking on our first IVF after a year of unsuccessful home insems and IUIs.  They were just starting home insems.

After that, we traveled together.  Our journeys have been  so similar; they too moved from home insems to IUIs to IVF. Along the way, Olive has written beautifully and vividly about the grinding pain, isolation, and weariness that goes with measuring your TTC time in years. Looking at her old entries gives me the same lump in my throat that I get when looking at my old entries, when every word beat a tattoo of please. please. please.


So welcome, Goldie, and welcome to parenthood, Olive and Fern. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. The road was less lonely with you along.

* * *

Hokay, onto the cycle news! We start shooting up Follistim tonight. Yesteday's CD2 appointment went well: 13 or so antral follicles, lining 4.4 (is that a little thick for CD2? Does it matter? Probably not.), E2 43, FSH 5.9. All just ducky.

100 iu of Follistim every night for the next four days, then a lining check on Saturday. Wheeeee! I'm in a marvelously moodswingy up-mood. The only thing that makes my stomach drop is thinking about thawing the embryos, how my poor little two vitrified (badly vitrified?) embryos might or might not survive, and whether the five slow-frozen ones have much of a chance. Did so few of my vitrified embryos survive because they were badly frozen, badly thawed, or because for some reason I make embryos that just aren't very cold-resistant? Please let it be the first. It makes some sense; they were vitrified within the first three months of my clinic beginning their vitrification program. Maybe someone forgot to, I dunno, add salt?

Breathe. I can't affect it. All I can do is try and grow a nice cozy lining, and hope for the best. I'm chugging wheatgrass juice and trying to think plush, loamy thoughts.

Rock on, FET #2.5!

CD2: and so it begins!

My rest cycle was surprisingly good.

Stuff I did during my rest cycle that I wouldn't have done while actively TTC:

• a crazy cleansing diet ("UltraSimple" -- can't say I'd recommend it)
• started and promptly abandoned an exercise program
• went days at a stretch without thinking about my uterus.

 Real life has seemed slightly crazy lately, crazy enough that I sometimes think and you want to add an infant to this? And the only answer I can come up with is yeah, yeah I do. So sue me.

My CD2 E2 was 38, very good. We're going full steam ahead. We'll have to jigger the schedule because, right around transfer time, I'm going to be at a conference in Las Vegas. The last time I was at this conference was 2008. I was nauseated there, from taking the birth control pills for my third IVF cycle. I wrote:

I was at a conference this week, in a discipline that's heavily female and, apparently, fecund. I overcompensated mightily, as always. If I'm ever pregnant, I wonder will I notice when a woman is smiling at me too warmly? I know I'll never be a belly-rubber, but I wonder if I'll see. Probably not. I can't see it on anyone else's face even now. I always feel like the only person whose eyes slide away.

Here I am, on the other side of the chasm. And now I know the answer to this question: no. I never did notice. As soon as I got pregnant, I was utterly inward-turned, utterly consumed with myself and my fetus and holy cripes look at me I'm doing it I'm doing it. I am 99% certain that I never was a belly-rubber, so that's something, but I don't know how I feel about my own obliviousness. On one hand, maybe it wasn't as obvious as I always thought it was, maybe my longing wasn't painted on my face in four-inch letters. On the other hand maybe it's as eggdance said in her comment to that post: we are invisible to them, I think.

If I had noticed, I don't know that it would have been much better. There was absolutely nothing I could have said.

Things will be different, this conference. This conference, I'll be on estradiol, not birth control pills. I hope I won't be puking (I didn't on estradiol, last time). I'll be by myself; last time I brought Her Indoors with me, to enjoy the local sights and ridiculously extravagant vendor parties. This time, she'll be at home, caring for Small Boy.

This is going to be the longest I've ever left them for. I get a lurch in my stomach when I think about it, so I'm not going to think about it.

Anyway! Here we are. Here we go. Here we go.

10dp5dt:: Good thing I kept the receipt for those booties!

Beta was

wait for it

8.

Doc wants me to stay on meds until Monday and re-test. I'm partially "wtf" but I guess it's not a big deal to give it another 48 hrs. I mean, 3% is not 0%, right? All I have to lose is a few days of time; I wouldn't give it two weeks, but I'll give it two days.

Now my hope is for a swift, clean chemical. No hanging around for weeks making unhelpful amounts of hCG and preventing me from trying again. And, for the love of god, please not ectopic.

In the "disappointing" category also: doc wants to wait through a cycle before doing another frozen transfer. I find the waiting-around cycles particularly grinding, and was hoping we could rush straight into another FET.

8dp5dt: ambiguous, but perhaps still in the game.

A very, very, very light line. Before anyone gets excited, a very low beta at this many DPO is... well... it's not a no, but it's definitely a keep-your-receipts-for-those-booties situation. To give you an idea, if my beta tomorrow is

Between 5-14
Approximately an 80% chance of chemical pregnancy, 10% chance of miscarriage, 7% chance of ectopic, 3% chance of live birth.

Between 15-28
69% chemical, 25% miscarriage, 5% ectopic, 1% live birth.

Between 29-45
This is where things get gooder -- about a 32% chance each of chemical, miscarriage, and live birth, remainder ectopic.

Between 46-66
I doubt this could happen overnight, but live births are into the 40s.

(for anyone else aboard the crazytrain, reference here)

Now, my test is going to be at 14dpo, and the above statistics are from 15dpo. So I might just promote myself a category. So we're thinking -- high 20s, friends. High 20s. Because a 32% chance? Would be like another shot, a whole fresh IVF cycle. I'll take it over a flat BFN.

Schrödinger's Fetus

My uterus
contains two embryos. Quantum theory says, I guess, that they are neither alive nor dead. In general, this explains why quantum theory is something that I never intend to trouble my pretty little mind with in any sort of systematic way.

But right now, specifically, at this moment, I am a fan of quantum theory. I much prefer to spend the next few days thinking of the embryos as neither alive nor dead. It's painful to think that it could be all over already, and I just don't know it yet. Better to think that they are neither until the instant that first drop of pee hits the peestick.

Where we are
1 day past 5 day transfer of 2 embryos (both 3BB).

How we got here
For a while I'd been making noises about trying for another "starting around Small Boy's second birthday." He turned two on Tuesday. Wednesday we transferred two defrosted embryos.

Things that are true #1: this is nothing, nothing, nothing like the past three attempts.
I am in no way discounting the acute pain that secondary infertility causes some people when I say oh my fucking god so much better. Last time, failure was "dangling over the abyss." This time, failure is "not getting what I want". I mean, I know I would have survived, I would have had to, people do. But every time I thought of it, my brain just blurred into pain. Now? I'm not as flippant as I hoped I might be; I care. I care a lot. But... my worst-case scenario is not the abyss. It is (kinnehorah-inshallah-god willin-and-the-creek-don't-rise) only raising my funny, fascinating son.

I can never feel hard-done-by. I have him, and while I may not be grateful every day, I am at least grateful every second or third day.

Things that are true #2: this is nothing compared to the physical devastation of my fresh cycles.
Frozen embryo transfers are so low-key that they barely register. It don't mean a thing if it don't involve a sharps container, you know? Take some pills. Stuff some gel up your vagina. After a couple of weeks, stick a couple of embryos in there and see what happens.

C'mon. At no time during this cycle have I been able to say "breathing hurts". Calling that a win.

Things that are true #3: this is still amazingly nerve-wracking. Maybe it's the hormones; although there are no injections (my protocol was strictly Estrace - Crinone) there are still tons of hormones floating around my brain. Or maybe it's that it's impossible to ignore the magnitude of what we're trying to do and the difference it could make in all of our lives.

So the request I am making to the universe: please. I am so grateful for what I have. Can I have some more?



Procedural notes for record-keeping:
D3 E2 = 52 FSH = 7.9

24DPO beta

3838.

Doubling time: 49.7 hours.

There's no progesterone because I wasn't due for another beta. I've been cramping a whole lot (no spotting though), and my OHSS suddenly got all better, and I was utterly convinced that I was miscarrying again. So I fished out one of the many beta lab slips from my last miscarriage (m/c betas don't care about progesterone). I just waltzed right in and gave it to lab and got my blood sucked. I figure what are they gonna do, put the blood back? Not tell me the results?

Anyway, the take home messages are

1. As of 8:30 Thursday morning, I am still pregnant and everything is still in normal range;
2. I have truly never been crazier than I am right now.

Really. Everyone else must be feeling really, really sane right now because I am using up all the crazy.

I'm going to go home and sob with relief and bury my head in Animal Crossing. I figure this set of results will give me 24-36 hours of relief before the crazy starts up again.

21DPO/16dp5dt beta

1406.
Progesterone: 321
.
Doubling time: 45.28 hours.

For those for whom these numbers do not immediately translate: the all-important doubling time is good at less than 48 hours. Not okay, good. The overall number is normal, just a titch off the mode. The progesterone is crazy, crazy high -- first trimester numbers are supposed to be around 15-50; by the third trimester it can reach 200. I haven't been able to find much information about what "ridiculously high progesterone" means, but the doctor doesn't seem concerned... probably it just means that I had really a lot of follicles, which have left behind them really a lot of corpus luteum-ses, each one of which probably thinks it's the only one and so is pumping out P4 as fast as it can. Bless their little yellow hearts.

Me: relieved, grateful, still scared, officially pregnanter than I've ever been.