8w ultrasound

No heartbeat. Game over.

I'm okay. Disappointed, to put it mildly, but okay. For the past ten days I've been worrying about the fact that she thought it was likely identical twins -- two yolk sacs, one gestational sac  -- and I am not a great candidate to carry twins, for a variety of reasons. But in retrospect, it turned out not to be an issue, huh?

Sigh.

Now I just stop my meds and wait for it to... pass. I was pleased and surprised to be given prescription pain-relief. My last doc didn't offer me that, but then again the miscarriages were much earlier last time. I hope this doesn't hurt too much. My theory is that doing it naturally will be less painful than taking the misoprostol. We'll see.

Just... damn.

Ultrasound Update

A mixed bag. The good: perfectly measuring, with a flawless sac and a genuine real heartbeat! The bad: while in the office, I started bleeding like a stuck pig. Subchorianic hematoma seems to be the sitch. Miscarriage rates run anywhere from 13-50%, depending on who you ask.  I'm on bedrest until it resolves (hopefully in a day or two, or I'm really gonna have to figure out what to tell my boss).

So... nerve-wracking. But so glad to see that miraculous little flutter. Now, little thing, just stay put, nu? Ignore all that bleeding going on around you. Just go about your embryonic business, okay?

Beta 3: 22dpo/17dp5dt

Third beta was 2992, with a doubling time of 56 hours. I'm told that it's normal for the doubling time to slow a bit. Nevertheless, I am nervous as a bag of cats. I don't like that the slope of the line is changing so much -- but it's still within normal range.

Keep going, Awesome Embryo. Just hang in there.

Ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday. Holy shit.

That's what I'm talkin' about. (Beta 2:19dpo/14dp5dt)

My favorite bit isn't the normal -- this particular chart is very liberal with the "normal", and my two miscarriage betas squeaked in under the wire with a doubling time of ~69 hours. No, it's the 40.87 hours. That really is normal.

I'm dizzy with relief. Next beta Thursday. Rock on, little embryo. So far you are doing awesome.

Beta day

At 9dp5dt (14 dpo): 161!

For those not on the crazy train, my miscarriage betas were 74 and 89. The chemical pregnancy was an 8, and Small Boy was 115.

My next beta won't be until Monday (wtf??? RE Y U HATE ME) All y'all keep your fingers crossed for an appropriately rising level. But... so far, so good.

Until then, happy turkey day to them as eats turkey!

5dp5dt

Taken 5 minutes after dippin'. Got a bit darker after it dried. Faint, but by no means the most negative test I've ever seen.

I'm quietly, hesitantly pleased. I mean, I've had pee sticks that looked like this turn into miscarriages, twice. But I've also had pee sticks that looked like this turn into an absolutely hilarious 3 year old.

I am unreservedly pleased with one aspect of my foresight. When I asked the Magic 8-ball, I didn't just ask "will I get pregnant" -- I asked "will I see a positive pregnancy test this cycle?" Now that it's been unequivocally proven wrong, I can disregard the entire prophecy. Otherwise I know that right now I'd be convinced that the "no" was foretelling an impending miscarriage. Other TTC crazy superstitious atheist agnostic pagan Jews, take note!

So now it's just hanging on until my beta on Wednesday, and (hopefully) the repeat on Friday. Here we go!

Yesterday and today

Yesterday I felt serenely, even smugly confident that I was pregnant. I could just feel it, you know? I even peed on one of my cheapie internet pregnancy tests. Yes, for anyone keeping score, that was two days past transfer, and no, no excuse about "peeing out" the trigger; on a frozen cycle there is no trigger. That was all crazy me. So was the test I took this morning (all snowy white, of course).

Today I feel very sure that I'm not. My excellent piece of evidence is this: I have a promotional Magic 8 ball that I got as a trade show giveaway. It has been very accurate in the past. It said I'm not pregnant. Q.E.D.

Of my positive pregnancy tests, I got one at 5dp5dt (miscarriage), one at 4dp5dt (Small Boy), one at 8dp5dt (chemical), and one at 4dp5dt  (miscarriage).

This part is... hard.

Begin again

I keep starting posts and fading out.

The Asherman's surgery in May was, by all accounts, a success. Dr. Isaacson was lovely, in accordance with all the recommendations I got from the Asherman's mailing list. He found one major band near the cornu (where the tube attaches) and some minor adhesions near the cervix. He feels pretty sure that the largest adhesion was from the c-section; apparently, when they're done popping out the baby, they sponge down the uterus. And either I was sponged too hard or -- more likely -- my body simply didn't like being sponged, and reacted by forming an adhesion.

Learning that it was probably the c-section, not the D&C, is kind of mixed. On one hand, it's comforting to know that it probably couldn't have been avoided. If someone asked me if I would pay the price of Asherman's to safely have Small Boy, I'd agree instantly. At least I got something out of the deal, you know?

On the other hand, it means that Dr. Stewart missed the adhesions during the quite-hasty SHSG. And that last year's pregnancy never had a chance, and that those embryos might have well been flushed down the toilet, and that all that horror could have been avoided.

Second-guessing does no good in the real world, so of course I try to spend no more than 80% of my waking hours running mental simulations of alternate universes.

---

But all that's old news. See? I put a line under it.  It's old news because yesterday I had my first Delestrogen shot for my FET cycle. HOLY CRAP that hurt. I'm a spoiled little princess who's only ever done progesterone in ethyl oleate with slender 25ga needles. The 22ga was like sticking a fucking drinking straw into my glute.

Her Indoors was, as ever, both charming and useful. After giving me the shot, she eyed my prone, gasping form sympathetically.

Her: Does it hurt?
Me: YES
Her: If I slap you, it might help.
Me: SURE WHATEVER
Her: delivers ringing slap to my buttock, right where the shot went
Me: ... wow, that totally helped.

This brief domestic scene illustrates two points about our life nicely:

1) Her Indoors is smart about all sorts of things. There's an explanation having to do with the dissipation of oil in the muscle and circulation and nerve endings and stuff.

2) I trust her really a lot.

---

So yeah, new cycle!

If my lining does as it ought -- and that's a big "if" -- my scheduled transfer date is November 12. In 2008, on the cycle that resulted in Small Boy, my transfer was November 15. In 2011, on the cycle that resulted in the zombie pregnancy, my transfer was November 10. I guess this is just the time of year that I like to put embryos in my uterus.

Here we go!
Here we go.
Here we go...