Days 5 and 6 of stims

Yesterday, my E2 was a measly 194. I'm on track for my worst (least egg-ful) cycle ever.

My head is full of broken glass. I'm spending most of my time desperately trying not to think.

Day 10: the good and the bad

The bad:
At this point in the last cycle, I had 6 correctly-sized follicles. This cycle, even with more medication, I have 5. There is no way to know why my ovaries are so sluggish this cycle. For heaven's sake, on a lower dosage I got 21 mature eggs my first cycle. It could be the metformin, but I've never heard anyone else say that metformin ruined their response.

The good:
My estrogen is much, much higher than it was last cycle. This bespeaks of the possibility of lurking eggs. A couple more may well fatten up and surprise us. We're giving my ovaries another day to cook and cutting down the dosage.

Herein I enclose a table for my own record-keeping, enjoyment & convenience, because I find hand-coding HTML tables strangely soothing:

	E2
	Cycle 2	Cycle 3
Day 4	134	154
Day 6	445	491
Day 8	910	1401
Day 10	1938 (trigger)	3226
Day 11 (trigger)		4065 (trigger)

Of course, this also means that the risk for OHSS is going back up, but

1. It's less likely with so many fewer follicles, regardless of the E2;
2. I do not care.

Another scan tomorrow, likely trigger tomorrow night, for a Monday retrieval.

So that's the news. On the whole I'm feeling much much happier than I was a few days ago, when it seemed that even pumping up the dose wasn't doing anything to make this cycle different from last. At least things are moving. Or at least I'm high on estrogen.

Day 5 of Stims: not so good

My E2 was pretty low on Saturday, as low as it was last time with my "poor response" cycle, despite the higher dose of stims. It must be the metformin.

We raised the dose and I quit taking the metformin. If I have <10 follicles on tomorrow's scan we'll cancel this cycle and consider converting to an IUI. If you know anything about the issues here, you know that this would be a hideously hilarious choice for me.

Most people would only cancel a cycle with <5 follicles, but this is my last chance, my last insurance-covered cycle. I want it to be everything it can be. I don't even care about OHSS any more. I just want a big old crop of eggs.

I will admit that my first thought about canceling the cycle and trying again was oh crap, not more birth control pills.

Fertilization Report

The good news: 8 were mature.

The bad news: only 4 fertilized, even with ICSI.

Heading for a three day transfer, if one makes it.

God this cycle sucks. Do I have to chose between being having OHSS and barely/not making it to transfer?

I'm sure my mood will come around but right now I just feel so goddamn sad. Sad that this all has to be so painful and difficult and scary and expensive. Scared of what will happen when we run out our last covered cycle and have to look at raising (read: borrowing) the money.

And of course the chances are that we won't have multiple high-quality embryos, which will greatly up the pressure to transfer more than one, and I've already decided that we can't do that, we just can't. But it will make it all the more painful knowing that our chances are farther reduced from last time, and will torment me all the more if it doesn't work. 3 day transfers are less successful (possibly because people who do 3 day transfers generally have fewer embryos to choose from, fewer eggs, lower quality).

I don't know. I'm sore and I'm sad and I just don't know what to do.

Day 8: still 7

This morning's scan says that the Magnificent Seven are still, well, seven. Doc did mention that my over-or-low response is is not atypical for PCOS women. That means that for next time/if there's a next time I'll get to choose between a small number of eggs or overresponding. Yay.

Holding the dose steady at 150/75. I'll get scanned again on Sunday, which will likely be trigger day. That will make for a Tuesday retrieval and a Friday or Sunday transfer. Which one will be entirely determined by the condition of the embryos on Day 3.

In other news, I see pregnant people. Rode upstairs on the elevator with a genuine belly-rubber, enthusiastically polishing her perfectly round belly as if it were Aladdin's lamp. Stood in line at the cafeteria with a woman loudly proclaiming only three weeks left to go. I'm choosing to see all this as good omen and not the universe taunting me.

I am so ready for the weekend.

ETA: E2 - 910

7 follicles, 7 days of stim

(note to Mel: no, haven't increased stims -- he felt that raising my dose at this point wouldn't produce more eggs, and he didn't want to speed development on the ones I have, which are already going kind of fast. 9-10 days is optimal, but at last check it looked like mine were going be be ready at 8 or 9 days. I'm hoping for 9.)


I've talked myself into a slightly better place. That better place is not in the general IVF boards, where crops of 15-20 eggs seem normal. No, that place is the Poor Responders board. There 7 follicles is doing well. Plenty of starving children starving infertiles people there would be delighted to have seven follicles. Seven's a lucky number, right? The Magnificent Seven is my darling's favorite movie, like, ever.

Chris and Vin want each other so bad. I'm just sayin'.

Okay, Magnificent Seven it is. I seem to recall that (spoiler alert, but it's a spoiler for a movie released almost 50 years ago, so boo ya) anyway, I seem to recall that three made it out alive. And three good strong healthy embryos would be just ace.

It's also struck me that I might not -- likely won't? get a 5-day blastocyst transfer. Have not really processed the implications of this. There's no good down that road. Never mind. I'm rolling with it. This is me, rolling.

As Vin once said

Reminds me of that fella back home who fell off a ten-story building. As he was falling, people on each floor kept hearing him say, "So far, so good." Heh, so far, so good.

Well. So far, so good.



I'm sorry to be so gloomy. I don't seem to be able to get out of that headspace right now. Recently a whole bunch of my friends-from-the-internets have gotten pregnant. People I really want to be pregnant. And to every one I've had the same reaction to the joyful peesticks: wincing and thinking to myself you might not want to be buying onesies just yet. I felt grimly sure that their parties would shortly come to an abrupt painful end.

But you know what? Every single one of those people is still pregnant and all look fain to have blessedly healthy babies. And I know that every single one of those people considered the chance of miscarriage and chose to celebrate the moment any way. Because that is what living is all about, innit.

It's the so far, so good. Because I'm going where gravity is taking me, so I might as well enjoy the ride. And you know, sometimes (maybe 30-40% of the time) there's a truck carrying mattresses driving by below, or a dumpster full of styrofoam peanuts, and the people who wailed on the way down are exactly as dead or saved as the people who didn't, except the people who didn't had a much better time.

So yeah.

So far, so good.

Day 6 of stims: word problems.

Someday I will do something and not worry myself sick about it. Then the world will probably end. Feel free to finish your coffee, though, since it's not going to happen any time soon.

This IVF cycle is a whole 'nuther ballgame. The lower dose (150 Follistim, 75 Menopur) plus the metformin seem to have dialed my response way back. My E2 on Day 4 was only 134. I'll find out today's later on. We only saw 7 follicles on today's scan.

Reasons this is good:
Egg retrieval will likely be less painful/incapacitating
Very unlikely that I'll hyperstimulate and be painfully immobilized for two weeks

Reasons this is not good:
Fewer eggs is, well, fewer eggs. Last time: 25 eggs > 21 mature eggs > 16 fertilized > 15 embryos > 6 blastocysts.

This represents 84% mature, 76% fertilization, 94% make it to embryo, 40% make it to blast.

If identical numbers this time (leaving aside the absurdity of embryo fractions... believe me, you don't want your embryos fractured): 7 follicles > 5.88 mature > 4.48 fertilized > 4.2 embryo > 1.68 blast. If that actually means 6 mature > 5 fertlized > 4 embryo > 2 blast then I have one to transfer and one to freeze. But as you can see, there's very little wiggle room, a decent chance I won't have any to freeze, and even a possibility I won't have anything to transfer. If that happens I'll defrost one of my Tiny Frozen Americans, but it would be galling to have this cycle, the second of my three chances, be a bust.

ETA: E2 -- 445. Dunno. Seems low to me.