6dp5dt: HOLY CRAP

HOLY CRAP.
I don't seem able to say much else.

I've been randomly yelling "HOLY CRAP" ever since around 8pm last night.

See, I was feeling low. L-O-W. That morning's pee-stick had been stark white, and I was so very sick of staring at thin urine-soaked pieces of cardboard, willing them to say other than what they clearly said.

Just for fun (...) I decided to torture myself by doing one more before going to sleep. And HOLY CRAP. Within 6 minutes, a line, a respectable line, a line that I did not need a full-spectrum light to see.

Quavering, I yelled for my sweetheart. She dashed in, convinced that I was bleeding. I shoved the stick at her, and made her tell me about 10 times that I wasn't hallucinating.

Then I peed on three more (I buy them in bulk lots of 50, okay? shush.) As you can see, results were similar.

It just seemed so unreal. Eventually, after some hysterical typing with BFF, I went to sleep. I often wake up in the middle of the night, and when I wake up, I start thinking and thinking, usually dark thoughts, and I can't get back to sleep. Usually when this happens I pop on my headphones and listen to something soporific from librivox.org (I'm currently working on The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew). It lulls me right to sleep; I haven't had any bad insomnia since discovering this strategy.

Anyway, last night I woke up in the middle of the night, and I didn't put my headphones on. I just lay there, full of thoughts, light thoughts, joyful thoughts, hopeful thoughts.

This morning's first pee (supposedly the most concentrated) came out a good deal fainter than last night. I waited an hour and then tried again and it was a bit darker than last night. Dunno what that's about.

I know I'd be a fool to really celebrate this early. Chemical pregnancies are extremely common, especially with IVF. So, so early. Much too early.

But I've got something to celebrate. I've never seen a second line before, excluding the trigger shot. There's a chance here. There's a real chance. If it doesn't work out I'm going to cuss and try to move on gracefully. But right now, just for this minute, this second, I am pregnant.

And I am grateful beyond belief.

4AA

One 4AA partially-hatched blastocyst, hopefully burrowing into my endometrium right now and not into my underwear. Made it back to work in time for my 3pm meeting. I don't believe in that bed rest stuff.

Things I didn't like about today:

1. No cute embryo pics like other people have posted on their blogs. Although I guess they all look the same -- I could just right-click one of someone else's. Here! Behold Junior:
2. RE did not use ultrasound to guide the catheter for the transfer. One of the few clear results from studying IVFs is that clinical touch (no ultrasound) is inferior to ultrasound-guided transfers . I'm not happy about that at all, and it may be what prompts me to leave a doctor I otherwise like very much.
3. The paperwork the RE brought out was all filled out for the transfer of two embryos, despite having mentioned in every single conversation on the topic -- including our initial IVF consult -- that we only want to transfer one. When we stuck to our guns he gave us the "this is your best chance" spiel, although he did add "whatever choice you make has to be right for you." Additionally, his presumption of two gave the embryologist a heart attack, since she had to toss #5 in the freezerator at the last minute to get it started in time.
4. Never learned the embryologist's name, never talked directly to her about how the embryos were doing.
   

Things I did like about today:

1. The fact that we have 5 embryos on ice, with more hopefully joining them tomorrow;
2. The transfer room was very homey, not like a hospital, just a room with a fancy split-legged Laz-E-Boy;
   
3. The transfer was painless and relatively swift;
4. RE warmly shook our hands and wished us luck at the end;
   
5. Lying in the twilit room afterwards, holding hands with my darling, stroking each other's faces, dreaming of all that could be;
6. It's over, everything went well, it's over, it's over, it's over.

So yeah. Nothing to do now but keep shooting up the progesterone, and wait.

Hey hey I saw two lines...

Peed on a stick this morning. It was to see if the trigger was out of my system, honest. It had nothing to do with any desire to see what a positive pregnancy test looks like. (Note to the curious: it looks just like a negative one, except there's another pink line where the blank white space usually is).

Feeling a million times better today. Some time yesterday afternoon I just suddenly felt that my body had its balance back -- my mouth was moist again, my abdomen less swollen, the searing shoulder pain was gone, and the sense of worry and wrongness just abated. Yippee! Three days off of work is not ideal, though -- and I still haven't mentioned the embryo transfer on Monday (I'm thinking perhaps I can just nip off during lunch, get knocked up?) If I do this again I think I'll have to take a vacation week off. I think the "minor surgery the details of which I don't want to talk about" excuse would sound fishy the second time.

Embryo report tomorrow. *gulp*

Musings on the day before retrieval

Hey, you know what I think is really funny? This. For them as don't like following links, it's the abstract of a paper entitled "Low negative affect prior to treatment is associated with a decreased chance of live birth from a first IVF cycle". First time I saw it I misread it as perhaps you did: "Low affect prior to treatment" etc. That would mean that, basically, being mellow reduced your chances for success. This was a delicious enough possibility that I clicked on and realized it said "Low negative affect". That's right. Being insufficiently anxious and cranky can reduce your chances of conceiving via IVF!

Have consumed 1.5L of SmartWater today, planning on doing the same until OHSS danger has passed. I have to say it tastes like... water. Seriously. Except it costs $1.69 for 1.5L. How do I know there even are electrolytes in there? Would I know an electrolyte by sight? I would not. I will add "fear counterfeit electrolyte beverages" to my worry list, pursuant to previous paragraph. I am proud to say that I am truly doing everything I can to make this cycle work.

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Replies

Shannon asks: What does triggering mean?
Well, Shannon, pull up a chair, I'm glad you asked! Triggering = a precisely timed injection of hCG. hCG is what pregnancy tests measure, but in this case, it's used as a stand-in for LH, which is what ovulation predictor kits measure (I believe it's used instead of LH b/c LH has an unhelpfully short half-life, but don't quote me). LH and hCG are very similar, which is why OPKs are reasonably good pregnancy tests (although the reverse is not true -- see this helpful page for more details).

Anyway, the hCG injection performs the same function as does the LH surge in your body: it prompts the eggs' final maturation (what that involves I have no idea -- licking the envelope? tiny diplomas?) and also induces ovulation. This is why it needs to be so precisely timed, 36 hours before retrieval; if you do your shot too early you'll have already ovulated by the time they try to Hoover up the eggs. Do it too late and you'll get immature eggs.

I was paranoid enough about timing that I had time.gov up on the laptop screen. B stuck the needle in at 8:00pm, although it was 8:01 by the time she finished.

Also, thank you for the dockweed suggestion, but since I will be wearing a hospital gown for both the retrieval and transfer, no dice -- however, I could make a sort of dock seed tefillin to wear in between... hmm.

Dawn, my doctor is frustratingly non-committal. He has no problem with letting me have my own way about just about everything, and basically told me that unless my E2 was ridiculous (over 10,000) I could make the call. I had decided to trigger up to 6000, but I'm so glad that I didn't have to make that decision.

I am a tiny bit annoyed at him for forgetting that we are planning on doing a single embryo transfer. It's a decision I'm anguished enough about (more on this subject later) and I don't want to have to have that discussion more times than we have to. He even tried the old "the worst thing that can happen is twins." No, doctor, the worst thing that can happen is not twins. Garrr. Post on that subject later.

Thanks and love to everyone who has commented with their support!

Day 11: Trigger Day

That's right, girls and... er... girls! You read the title correctly. No, I am not hosting a photo exhibition honoring Roy Rogers' horse. I am triggering tonight, because my E2 was 4356 as of ass o'clock this morning.

4356, what can I say? I can say that

1. It's above some clinics' cutoffs for retrieval/transfer, but below others'. A lot of clinics use 3500 as the cut-off, but others use 5000.
2. It's much much much better than I had feared. See, I was getting what I believe is called a geometric progression -- doubled between days 5 and 7, almost tripled between 7 and 9... the fact that it only went up to 4400 between days 9 and 11 is marvelous.
3. It still puts me at risk of OHSS, but whatever, right? People say it's unpleasant, but it's not fatal. And you know what else would be unpleasant? Doing this whole damn thing again if I don't have to. I'll take my chances, spike the retrieval IV with albumin, and hope for the best.
   
4. It's a very cool number because if you transpose the first two digits it's 3456, a numerical keymash.

Once again my prodigious powers of worrying have, by the force of my mind, managed to avert disaster.

Retrieval is scheduled for 8 am Wednesday. Have to be there at 6:30. Without having had coffee. HAHAHAH. Still not sure how we're going to get there -- cab, I guess. My darling doesn't drive and I'll be in no shape to be driving home afterwards

EE EE EEE! Excited! Happy! Mood swingy! I LOVE ALL OF YOU -- YES, YOU OVER THERE, ESPECIALLY YOU.

Day 9 of Stims

This morning's ultrasound was fine -- reducing the Follistim dosage to 75iu seems to have slowed things down a good deal. Counted 14 follicles; one was 13mm, two were 17mm, and the rest were 14-15mm. Uterine lining 13mm.

Things I am worrying about now: did the follicle growth slow down too much? Will my uterine lining be too thick by the time we transfer? Will I break the internet by over-Googling?

The E2 results should be back soon, and then we'll know the plan. Likely trigger is Monday, with retrieval on Wednesday. This pleases me because I have a lot of annoying meetings on Wednesdays.

ETA: Bloodwork back. E2 is a startling 3460. 75iu of Follistim/75iu Menopur today, no Follistim at all and just Menopur tomorrow. I think this is called "coasting". A swift google reveals that coasting does not compromise pregnancy rates, and may even lead to better-quality embryos. (or perhaps the women who are responsive enough to require coasting simply produce better-quality embryos. either way I'll take it.)

Monday morning more bloodwork, another ultrasound. Dr said probably trigger Monday night for a Wed retrieval, but if my E2's very high at that point I imagine I'll coast another day or two.

ETA2: after looking around, I'm not sure it qualifies as coasting since we're continuing the Menopur. So now I'm all worried about OHSS again. Man, if this cycle gets canceled I'm going to feel as flat as a very very flat thing.

Day 5 of Stims

So far, so good! For posterity I record: right ovary, 7 follicles near 10mm. Left, 5 follicles near 10mm. Estradiol: 667.

My dosage of Follistim has been dropped to 150iu, holding steady on 75iu of Menopur and .05cc of Lupron.

Apparently the estrogen is somewhat on the high side, and of course I am furiously googling to find out the worst case scenario of having high E2. But I am cautiously pleased. I figure if I were hideously overresponding he wouldn't have dropped it to 150iu, he would have dropped it more. I know we don't want the follicles to grow too quickly -- less than 10 days of stims usually means poorer egg quality, I think. But at least I'm not, as they say, stimming like a granny.

*revs up ovaries, Leader-of-the-Pack style*

Yeah, I'm pleased. I didn't hear the two things I was most afraid of: "one huge honking lead follicle" or "poor response". Hopefully we can work out the rest of the details, bring everything into balance so we end up with a lovely large plump cohort of eggs in a dignified time period.

Of course the timing of all this positively couldn't be worse. I've got a two day class on Thursday and Friday, and our fascist training department requires written medical release for coming late to a class. The doctor's office did manage to dig up a sheet of letterhead that doesn't say "Baby-Making Doctor" on it. Hopefully the fact that it does say "Gynecology" will dissuade anyone from asking about the details. IT'S ABOUT MY COOCHIE OKAY. SHH.

Anyway, if we manage to extend the stim period for the desired 10 days, then my retrieval will be on Monday. On Monday I am scheduled to be in another all day class. This is a very special class taught by Fancy Consultant, who was flown 3000 miles and paid eleventy-million dollars to teach it. And I will just not be able to be there. Ooops. Oh, my 12 little follicular chickadees, see how I already am sacrificing my professional prospects for you?

Day 3 of Stims

Thing's're going well. I'm feeling pretty good. The morning Lupron shots are now warm and familiar enough that, even half asleep, I scoot over to the side of the bed and assume the position my quite willingly. The volume's down by half (.05 now) and my darlin brought me home a bunch of 28 1/2 ga needles, which are so very tiny that they can barely be felt.

The evening's entertainment has been the stim medications. There's certainly a satisfying amount of pomp and circumstance in this procedure. Before the shot I carefully arrange all the supplies -- Follistim pen, vials of Menopur and sterile water, 3cc syringe, 22ga 1" needle of mixing, 27ga .5" needle for injectin', Q-cap for mixing, alcohol swabs, sharps container. 225iu Follistim, 75iu Menopur, .5cc water, mix, shoot up. It hurts more than the Lupron -- not so much the needle stick, but there's a distinct stinging sensation as it's injected, and since there's a lot more of it, that last a little while. It doesn't hurt very much on any absolute scale, though.

After the shot I lie down for 20 minutes or so and listen to this meditation cd I bought because I am a sucker okay. It's a pretty standard guided meditation, except it leads you through picturing the medications gently coursing through your blood (I think of it as little dollar signs mixing in with the red blood cells). The medicated blood surrounds your ovaries, coaxing out a bounty of healthy eggs.

I like it. I'm skeptical enough that when she says something about "bringing forth new life" I always have to say out loud "maybe". But it's a nice time to lie there and visualize metaphors. I think right now the one I'm grooving on is forcing seeds. Because that's what we're doing, see. The Follistim is the Gro-Light, and my ovaries are some nice rich potting soil, and hopefully tons of little seeds will spring forth. Unfortunately I know even less about gardening than I do about reproductive endocrinology, so that's as far as the metaphor can go really.

My first follicle scan is on Tuesday. Think big, people. Lots of nice follicles pls. They don't have to be fast-growing, slow is fine, but I want a lot of them.

In other news:

Things I like about Blogspot
How easy it is to post pictures without worrying about hosting
Being able to get actual names from nonmember commenters
The interface, in general
The fact that it's not Livejournal.

Things I dislike about Blogspot
The lack of THREADED COMMENTS. I had not anticipated how much I'd hate not being able to easily reply to comments. Instead I have to go like this:

Dawn, I love that picture! My favorite wedding dress designer (is it sad that I have a favorite wedding dress designer?) is Atelier Aimee, whose main gag is pinning a lot of silk roses to things. I throughly approve.

Big love going out to Emily and Shannon and Kristy and Lizzies. Your presence as we go through this krazy kaper is something I'm very grateful for. HART.

Sarah/Mrs Bluemont, thank you so much, and welcome! I've enjoyed your blog for a while now so I'm very glad to finally make your acquaintance.

Cowgirl, thanks! And I am so glad to be off the BCPs -- they made my breasts so sore that my dog would brush one with his paw during the night and I'd wake up hissing in pain. I started sleeping with a pillow protectively covering them. No fun.

Now see, that would have been a lot easier on LJ. Has anyone come up with a threaded comment solution for Blogspot? Or is the answer "move to Wordpress"? I kind of like the Googley oneness of Blogspot, but the lack of threaded comments is really really annoying.

Last Day of BCPs

7th day of Lupron, last day of birth control pills. The Lupron's been treating me very well. Every morning my heart's own love brings me a cup of coffee and a syringe. Eyes still firmly shut I shimmy over to the side of the bed and bare my belly. I feel the cold swipe of an antiseptic wipe and start fuzzily counting. I feel hardly a prick and by 3 she's done. A swish of aloe gel to keep it from itching and that's it.

For two mornings I felt really nauseous an hour or so after the shot, and got as far as sprinting to a puke-suitable place with my mouth watering. Then I remembered that I'd changed the vitamins that I take with my coffee every morning . Today I didn't take my new iron-heavy vitamin, and hey, no nausea. I don't know if the hormone + iron combination or if I just got the wrong kind of multivitamin, but I'm very happy to have (I hope) solved the problem.

I have been looking at wedding dresses online. I think a part of me wants the reassurance that if I don't get pregnant, we can still move to Canada or some other nice country and get married. I can still get something I want. This is moronic, because of course I have almost everything I want. I've been phenomenally lucky in a thousand different ways.

It's just that the crumpled list of dreams I have always carried in my heart still has a few big-ticket items left on it.

I've been so blessed. More, please.

Lupron day 1: the money shot

Finally I get to post that ritual picture in every IVFers's blog, The Money Shot. Here are my drugs. I rearrange them gleefully. Not pictured: four boxes of Menopur, tucked behind the Lupron and syringes; two bottles, one of antibiotics and one of steroids, in the front gold bowl. Three vials of progesterone in ethyl oleate, on their way from a pharmacy in Colorado, because I am a pushy patient and refused the progesterone in sesame oil thankyouverymuch. I muttered something about food allergies, but really I just generally try and avoid painful experiences, and the PiO shots are supposed to hurt like a mofo. The ethyl oleate preparation is supposed to be much much easier, and can be given with a much smaller needle.

The peacock fan I carried as maid of honor in my best friend's wedding. The sheela na gig also comes from her. Since she got knocked up one month after the wedding, I have great faith in both of these talismans.

Ganesha is the solver of problems and remover of obstacles. Qwan Yin guards the souls of children and is a goddess of mercy, compassion, fertility, and childbirth. And Juno is the Roman goddess of fertility and childbirth.

I know it's not an exhaustive pantheon, but it's a decent start, don't you think?

First Lupron shot this morning went swimmingly. My girl has deft hands, and is used to giving injections since in her lab she has to inject various substances into mice. Apparently I'm easier to handle than a mouse, probably because I neither tried to bite her nor climb over her head. She did one clever trick which I'd recommend: she asked me to count to five very loudly. I was focused on filling my lungs for that and barely noticed the needle going in.

In other news, the receipts attached to my big bag o' meds added up to over $7000. My copay was around $140. I priced the same meds out at around $3300 over the interwebs. People, our medical system is broken.

CD15, day 13 of BCP: random news snippets

• 13th day of FemCon, the latest state-of-the-art chewable (!) mint-flavored oral contraceptive. Why the latest state-of-the-art chewable mint-flavored oral contraceptive, you might ask? Because that's what my RE gets free samples of from the drug rep, that's why.
  
  I was nauseous for the first week but my body seems to have adjusted quickly; now all I've got in the way of symptoms are huge incandescently sore boobs. I'm spotting steadily but lightly, and am not going to worry about it.
  
  
• I have put up a link to my IVF calendar. Of course I expect my friends to be poring over it daily, but mostly it's there for my own reference -- and for that of my beloved partner. Bless her heart, she is blissfully oblivious to most of what's going on. If I tell her to show up at a doctor's appointment, she does. Other than that it doesn't cross her mind, except when she looks over my shoulder and has to say "should you be googling that?"
  
  Lesbians are in a somewhat unusual situation here. Men and women are rarely in the same place emotionally about TTC. Two women, on the other hand, sometimes -- not always -- but sometimes are. I have certainly heard tale of couples who cling to each other and weep with every BFN, and who find comfort in that.
  
  Not us, though. She will be a fantastic mom when/if there's an actual live squalling human being requiring attention. But dreaming and worrying about the theoretical has always been my job. It's a relief, honestly. One of us chugging a daily giant 22-oz can of crazy is quite enough.
  
  
• My protocol has changed again (I thought the one the receptionist had relayed to me sounded a bit fishy). I'll be on the pills for an extra ten days; I still don't have the predicted dates for retrieval and transfer. but I start my Lupron on March 8; injection training in March 6. Who hoo! Things may be moving a bit faster than I had feared, which is nice because I AM IMPATIENT OKAY.
  
  
• Apparently my infertility coverage authorization has expired and the doctor's office is running around to get it renewed. Hear that? They're running around to get it renewed, I'm not. I love this so much. I'll love it less if they screw something up or don't succeed, but I'm cautiously optimistic. My insurance company has been very good to deal with so far
  
  
• My drugs have been ordered and received, approximately $4000 worth. My copay? $139. I am never leaving this job. I'm the gratefullest employee ever.
  

Here I am at blogspot for real. Really for real.

I'm just too annoyed at the way the LJ makes all my non-LJ peeps leave comments as anonymous. Y'all have perfectly good names and should be able to leave them.

I'll migrate all my LJ posts over tonight. I'm sorry that I can't migrate all the many lovely comments people have left, but I'll be able to go back to my LJ account and look at them when I need a boost.

I apologize to my LJ-friends who can no longer read me on their friendslists... but most of you I begged not to friend me, anyway, because I don't want the whole real-life-world knowing about what's going on with my ovaries.

There! *fluffs pillows* looks like home.

What's going on with my ovaries:
I'm on my 6th day of birth control pills, what's known as the "suppression" phase. I know, 'elp, 'elp, I'm being suppressed... anyway, so far so good, although the pills have made me slightly nauseous.

I should get the details of my protocol within the next few days. My guess is that I'll be on the pills for 21 days. I don't have PCOS, but I have slightly PCOS-y ovaries, and docs like to make sure that PCOS-y ovaries are firmly suppressed.

Also, all infectious disease tests came back negative. Woo hoo, one less thing for me to be paranoid about!

ETA: I have also finally started a blogroll of lesbian, TTC, and family-related blogs. If I've put you on and you would like off, please let me know.