Everything is Okay. I don't know to what I owe my powerful blog constipation, except perhaps that I am just sitting here quietly, gratefully, afraid to attract the envy of the evil spirits. We Jews are an extremely superstitious lot.
First trimester screening
Last Monday we had our first trimester screening. We got to see the wee babe on an ultrasound; for the first time it looked like a human being, not a blob in a snowstorm. That was a powerful moment, its power dimmed only slightly by the fact that omg I have never had to pee so badly in my LIFE. (note to the uninitiated: before ultrasounds, especially early ultrasounds, a full bladder helps to lift the uterus into better viewing position.) It was especially funny when the fetus would not assume the correct position and the ultrasonographer was thus forced to grab my ample belly and jiggle it forcefully. She was very sweet and apologized profusely, but whoah.
The ultrasound measurements are combined with bloodwork measurements to come up with a set of odds for Down syndrome and other chromosomal disorders. Our DS odds were, before the screening, 1:258; with the screening information, 1:5141. Other chromosomal disorder, baseline risk 1:452; after screening, 1:9021. These odds mean that we'd be crazy to do an amnio (miscarriage risk roughly 1:250), so we won't.
I am very grateful that there was such a noninvasive test that gave us the information to make this decision. Having the screening was a no-brainer for us, and there was no doubt that, if the odds had come back in a suggestive range, we'd have had an amnio. There are some disorders for which we'd choose to terminate and some for which we wouldn't, but in any case, I am a person who has to have all the information that is gettable. Sometimes I wish I were a take-it-as-it-comes person, but I never will be anything but an exhaustively-researching person. Sometimes this has served me well and sometimes it hasn't.
Work
I told my boss and my officemates. Only one person blurted out "How?" Everyone's been very sweet and supportive. Now that everyone knows I can stop wearing the baggy tops I've had on for the past ten weeks or so. I've been going around in plus-sized tops, which merely looked oversized and unflattering. Now I'm in properly-sized maternity clothes.
Wardrobe
Yes, I know that 13 weeks is ridiculously early for maternity clothes, but the sides of my pre-pregnant pants are not even in shouting distance of each other. Yes, I am enormous for 13 weeks, even now that my swollen ovaries have receded. No, I don't know why, except that I'm extraordinarily short-waisted and I guess it has nowhere to go but out.
On the subject of maternity clothes: must. stop. shopping. I can't stop buying them. Something in my leathery and scarred infertile soul softens and heals a little with every piece I buy. Luckily my shopping tastes run to thrift store and clearance racks, so I'm not spending too much. But I really have to stop at some point.
Most recent Value Village find: a pair of "H&M Mama" black combat trousers. Adorable and so comfy! I have no idea where it came from, as there are (sadly) no H&Ms that carry the Mama line anywhere near me. But for $3.98 they were all mine.
Doppling
In other news: I bought a fancy-ass doppler real cheap over Craigslist, and have been restricting myself to doppling every other day. Doppling is a mixed blessing because
- I am blessed with a generous allowance of abdominal padding. I don't know if that's why, but I find the wee one extremely hard to locate. At 13 weeks we should be finding it no problem, but in fact there's always a sweaty and tense 10-20 minutes, and a good 40% of the time we can't find it at all.
- Not finding the heartbeat stresses me out.
- Finding it, on the other hand, is a glorious high.
- Every time I do it my darling feels it necessary to yell "don't dopple me, bro!" and then fall over in gales of laughter.
The body
Physically I am still reeling with gratitude about what an easy first trimester I've had. No puking. Minimal queasiness. Fatigue, but not crushing fatigue. Moodiness, but not -- oh, okay, sometimes crushing moodiness, but it's been pretty transitory. My blood pressure started in early on the second-trimester dip, so my monitor is showing lovely numbers that it hasn't shown in a long time.
What else? The OHSS is pretty much gone and has been for a few weeks. The tummy is no smaller, but it's differently shaped. Before it was a sort of diffuse swelling. Now it's higher and pointier. When I tense my abdominal muscles it gets very pointy and odd-looking indeed. Of course I do this like ten times a day just because it's so cool.
The mind
I know a lot of people really hate the expression so beloved of formerly-infertile-pregnant- bloggers, NBHHY -- Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet. It doesn't annoy me, though. I hear it with a wry smile, and the knowledge of how sometimes merely acknowledging a lack of badness seems like an invitation to destruction.
I am relaxing. I am learning to hope. And I am so grateful for all the people who have held onto my hope for me, when I was too scared to hold it myself.
