Just waiting, now.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind commiserations. It really does help.

I'm pretty okay. I talked with my RE last night, and he agreed that there was no real reason to keep taking the PIO. We'll be checking my hcg again on Friday; hopefully it will be going down on its own in a peaceable, orderly fashion. Hopefully then my progesterone will also fall; even though I'm no longer supplementing it, since I did ovulate my body is likely producing some on its own and I won't bleed until it shuts down production.

Last night, I:

1. Had a glass of wine;
2. Let myself use my laptop in my favorite position, with it balanced on my stomach otter-fashion;
3. Did not have a 1.5" needle jammed into my ass.

So the evening was not without its redeeming features. This morning, I had real coffee, with real caffeine.

I don't know. Three chemical pregnancies, one with a barely-there beta, two with decent enough but non-doubling betas. Once might be misfortune, but twice starts to look like carelessness. Chromosomal issues? Immune issues? Does it matter? Should I just keep slinging embryos in there and wait for one to stick? Obviously one did stick, three years ago.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm displeased that I have such a strong feeling of anger towards myself for being optimistic, for believing that dark line 4dp5dt, for typing information into a due-date calculator. Part of me says "Oh, really, you knew better than that. An old campaigner like you should know by now that two lines on a pee-stick do not necessarily equal a gurgling infant nine months later."

But... I don't want to be that person. I don't think there's anything particularly evolved about being cynical and pessimistic. Optimism is the more difficult path, and the better one. I should be proud that I managed to be so excited and happy. But I can't help looking back and wincing at myself, shouting back into time shut up shut up shut up close that browser window, girl, you're not going to need that mei tai.

Maybe it's my Jewish cultural conditioning, the idea that rejoicing about anything is like waving a red flag at the evil spirits and saying "come get me". Maybe it's an ugly streak of my psyche that snottily finds anything preferable to being a fool.

Beta #4

567, for a doubling time of.... 105 hours.

Yeah, it's over.

Thanks for stopping by, hope.

I guess, technically speaking, this will be a chemical, not a miscarriage. Hurts a lot more than the last one did, though.

I can't believe how well and truly fooled I was by that early, dark test.  Bitter!me says: I can't believe I fell for that.

Now I just have to hope it's not ectopic.

I fucking hate the next few steps, to wit:

1. The passing of the physical products of conception
2. The bills for the failed cycle come rolling in.

Fuck.

That was mercifully quick.

Today's beta = negative. I didn't ask, but I assume that means <5. Kinder, in a way, since I've no decisions to make. I'm stopping meds tonight.

I've asked about doing an endometrial biopsy this cycle. I don't know if that fits the doctor's definition of a "rest cycle" or not, but I hope it does -- at least it would keep me amused. And there's some evidence that endometrial biopsies increase implantation on the cycle that immediately follows. It's all pretty voodoo, but most of this process is.

The view from Beta Hell

Second-guessing my decision to stay on meds. No matter what number I get tomorrow, it's not going to change the fact that the 15dpo number was 8.

Okay, let's think this through:

Option #1: chemical. The overwhelming chance is that this is chemical. If it's chemical, I'm simply prolonging the process. On the other hand, I'm not doing any harm to anything except my sense of serenity.

Option #2: miscarriage. The next largest chance is miscarriage; i.e., that it limps along for a few more weeks -- I get a number like 24 on Monday, and hey! it more than doubled! yay! Except that it's still only at 24. Then it doesn't quite double, goes up to, I dunno, 41. Okay, okay, almost a decent doubling time, and the doubling time's a range, right? Then the next beta is great. Let's say a 39 hour doubling time, woo hoo! This continues, a grab bag of mediocre and great results, until finally the doctor says "enough with the betas, come back for an ultrasound in a few weeks." I do and: there's no heartbeat. Or there is a heartbeat, and I get released to an OB. At 10 weeks I go in and... there's no heartbeat. Even if I'm lucky and it all passes naturally, it a) hurts and b) takes me months to get my period back so we can start again. This is the worst-case scenario, except for equally hideous

Option #3: ectopic. In this universe, everything proceeds exactly as with Option #2, except that at 6 weeks there's nothing in my uterus. I get a big fat shot of methotrexate, and wait for everything to work its way out (I'm not even running the mental simulation of if the shot doesn't work. Just no.) It a) hurts and b) takes me months to get my period back so we can start again.

Option #4: live birth. This is the unicorn I would be chasing by keeping going with my meds if tomorrow's beta has any sort of decent rise. This is the unicorn that all of us who google "beta hell success stories" chase.

#3 is out of my hands, right; even if I stop the meds, an ectopic would still keep going even without progesterone and estrogen. I just have to keep my fingers crossed for that one. Stopping meds promptly would cut short the tedious and unpleasant #1, and bypass the excrutiating #2. On the other hand, it would be eliminating the slim possibility of #4.

I just don't know. I'm not a gambler, I've never bought a lottery ticket in my life. Chemical + miscarriage = 90%. I could logic myself into saying that since it's so likely that I'm in the 90%, I should stop my meds. But... the truth is, I wouldn't be doing it out of certainty that I'm in the 90% of chemical + m/c; I'd be doing it out of fear that I'm in the 10% of miscarriage.

Prudence? Fear? The smart decision, or the pussy one?

Writing it all out makes me feel better, but I'm still not sure what I'm going to do if, tomorrow, the number has gone up in any sort of meaningful way.

10dp5dt:: Good thing I kept the receipt for those booties!

Beta was

wait for it

8.

Doc wants me to stay on meds until Monday and re-test. I'm partially "wtf" but I guess it's not a big deal to give it another 48 hrs. I mean, 3% is not 0%, right? All I have to lose is a few days of time; I wouldn't give it two weeks, but I'll give it two days.

Now my hope is for a swift, clean chemical. No hanging around for weeks making unhelpful amounts of hCG and preventing me from trying again. And, for the love of god, please not ectopic.

In the "disappointing" category also: doc wants to wait through a cycle before doing another frozen transfer. I find the waiting-around cycles particularly grinding, and was hoping we could rush straight into another FET.