This round officially over

Official negative beta. It's not like I didn't know it was coming.

I was -- amused? -- to realized why I was so sure I was pregnant. It's because, prior this, I have had six transfers. For those six transfers, only one of them was an outright negative. One was a chemical, and the other four were positives.

Furthermore, my frank negative cycle was in 2008. So I basically have no idea what the side effects of progesterone are like in the absence of pregnancy. I mean everyone told me that "progesterone makes you feel like you're pregnant", but I rather poo-pooed that -- I mean by now I surely can tell the difference, right? Those heavy cramps and heartburn, that's totally a pregnant thing.

Yeahno. Everyone's right. It's just progesterone. Good thing to remember for the future, I guess.

8dp5dt: nope.

Game's pretty much over. For some insane reason, Big Shiny Fertility Factory likes to do their betas two goddamn weeks after a 5-day transfer. This makes zero sense, except in the respect that it save them the effort of even dealing with women with short-lived chemical pregnancies. By 19dpo, either you're showing up good and dark on a plain ol' urine test, or you're negative and have been for some time. Which means that you've spent at least a solid week getting painful, expensive, and unnecessary rump-injections. Worse, many women (not me) may have spent an entire extra week consuming neither alcohol, caffeine, nor sushi.

I delicately pointed this out to my nurse, who agreed to let me come in on Friday (15dpo). Much better. At least I can spend the weekend letting my glutes recover.

I'm okay. I'm starting to try to wrap my head around the possibility that this may not be the story of my difficult journey towards the family I have always envisioned. It may be the story of my journey towards letting go of that vision.

I have an embarrassingly large collection of beautiful high-end baby carriers. I guess when the time comes I'll sell them and buy myself something really, really pretty.

5dp5dt: the evidence for and against

Data that support my being pregnant this cycle:

1. I did a super good job of distracting myself. In fact, we decided to up and get married with two weeks' notice, which definitely took my mind off Things.  The planning was a bit crazy, but the wedding was lovely. And three days after the wedding, we transferred two blastocysts to my uterus.
    
2. My lining rocked, which is to say that it was over 8mm, which for an Asherman's patient is awesome.
    
3. It would be hilarious if I got pregnant the same week I got married, so people could count back and make jokes about shotgun weddings.
    
4. I have been chock full of symptoms. Heavy draggy cramps, sore breasts, I got 'em. I have been quietly Sure for days.
    
5. My acupuncturist said I had really good energy. 

Data that support my not being pregnant this cycle:

1. It's 5dp5dt, or 10dpo, and my test strips are stark, stark white. I have been pregnant four times, not counting the lame-o chemical. I have never not had at least a faint line by now. Good betas, bad betas, I always had something by now.

There are 5 reasons why I am pregnant this cycle, and only 1 reason why I am not. The mathematically-inclined observer will note that 5>1.

Sadly, though, I think that single piece of evidence against rather outweighs  the five votes for.

3dp5dt

Symptoms: few. I swing between wild optimism and wild pessimism. Things that help: snuggling Small Boy, eating nice food. Things that don't help: reading various fertility boards.

I think I have a touch of PTSD over the last time we did this. I keep losing track of where and when I am now. The despair licks at the edges of my brain, and I realize that I've forgotten, once again, that this is not the same as it was. Once I look around and connect with the present, I feel a thousand percent better.

For my successful pregnancy, I got a (very faint) positive in the evening of 4dp5dt. For my unsuccessful pregnancy, it was 5dp5dt. I currently have in my possession 45 pregnancy tests (shut up. it's a long story. no, it's not.) Peeing will commence tomorrow evening. Who am I kidding: peeing will commence tomorrow morning. In fact, it's a wonder I'm not peeing on something right now.

The report at 16dpo/11dp5dt

Beta report: still didn't double, but did rise.

12dpo/7dp5dt: 45
14dp/9dp5dt: 74
16dpo/11dp5dt: 120

Doubling time is 69 hours. Still, as friend Rebecca usefully reminded me, less than 72 hours is within normal range. of course I was hoping it would be a robust and comforting 48 hours, but still within normal range, still within normal range, still within normal range, I'm going to keep saying that until I believe it. Oh hey, how did I get the beta, you might ask, when I wasn't scheduled for one until Sunday? My dear wife reminded me that I had the (undated) lab slip and that all I had to do was sashay in, hand over the lab slip, and get the blood drawn. What're they going to do, cram the blood back into my veins? Then I called the RE's office and explained to the nice girl that I needed another lab slip for Sunday because I used the one I had been given today. Oops. I think she thinks I'm a bit of a loon, but who cares? She got me another lab slip.

Cramping and spotting report: Uterine cramps are still low-level and steady, with the occasional one that really makes me wince. Spotting is also steady but extremely light. I'm not too worried about those, as both seem common enough. Some women cramp steadily through the first trimester, apparently.

OHSS report: don't ask. Fortunately, the stomach cramps have been radically reduced by switching to an entirely liquid diet and eating (sipping) small amounts every hour or two. Unfortunately, this includes the night time -- if I don't put something in there every few hours I wake up feeling like I've got hedgehogs moshing in my stomach. I have learned, however, that Ensure is surprisingly tasty.

Hospital staff report: Inappropriate Lab Administrative Assistant was on duty today, the one who cheerfully told me on Wednesday (when my stomach was smaller than it was today) that I look six months pregnant. I am not walking these days so much as I am scuttling, since I can't come anywhere near to standing up straight. So today I crab walk my way in to get my bloodwork and the dialogue proceeds thusly:

IALAA: What's wrong with you?
Me, dumbfounded: I have ten pounds of extra fluid in my abdominal cavity.
IALAA: Oh. Is that a good thing?
Me: No.
IALAA: Huh.

Now, she works at a blood lab in a hospital. Presumably the hospital is full of sick people who walk funny because they're, you know, sick, or hurt or something. Does she really ask all of them what's wrong? Because I think what she should do is take people's lab slips and show them into the blood draw rooms and tell them to have a nice day.

Freaky fact: by some reckoning, 16dpo/11dp5dt = 4 weeks 3 days pregnant. Can't think of it that way yet.

Career report: I told my boss yesterday that I definitely wouldn't be in until Monday, and I don't know what I'll do if I still can't walk/eat/etc by then. Go to work with my grossly distended abdomen and explain to every single person why I can't walk? Take even more sick time? I have plenty of accrued time, but of course it's never politically neutral to take it. I may just have to say fuck it to all that, though. I'm not sure I'll be able to sit at a desk come Monday.

I have thought a bit about being a lesbian going through fertility treatments as opposed to being part of a straight couple going through fertility treatments. The people I work with are great, but I'm just not sure that I could expect sympathy and support for doing something that is so very outside of their frame of reference. I can so clearly imagine the puzzled stares: if she wants kids so badly, then why did she become a lesbian?

Gratitude report: I'm grateful for all the lovely, lovely comments I've gotten on my blog. I'm unutterably grateful that right this second I am pregnant. I am grateful that my BFF has secured for me a Wii. Her offer came at a time when I was feeling particularly physically wretched and thus entitled to any amusement I desired. I really think I've been trying to get a Wii for just about as long as I've been trying to get pregnant, although not with as concerted an effort (I stubbornly refused to pay more than the base price of a non-bundled unit).

Final score: I'm scared and uncomfortable but I think I'm winning.

2dp5dt

Wicked heartburn, which I got really excited about until I googled "progesterone heartburn". Since I get a giant syringe of the stuff shot into my bum every night, one might reasonably expect a few side effects. Durrrrrrrrrrr.

Happy Wednesday, anyway!