9dp5dt/14dpo beta

115.

Progesterone: 320.

Over the weekend I

1. peed on 1,214 sticks
2. convinced myself that the line was getting lighter, not darker
3. had weeping fits since it was clearly all over
   
4. gathered up all my peesticks and begged Her Indoors to hide them very, very well.

I think some of the leftover crazy from the miscarriage is bubbling over. I just can't help thinking of how high I was then and how fast and hard I fell. But that's the way of it, isn't it? There's no way to want something this precarious this much and not be in terrible danger.

I have been staring at the clock all day. These are the things I mentally rehearsed hearing:
Your results are back -- the beta was 8 and you can stop your medication.
The beta was 18
The beta was 26
The beta was 54

We're supposed to call for results between 3 and 4. At 2:59 I picked up the phone and the moments I was on hold I could have measured by the heartbeat pounding in my ears.

115 is a solidly normal beta. Not high, not low. Last time at 14dpo my beta was 74, on the low side, although not wildly so. 115 is a happy number. 115 is a healthy number. 115 is just fine.

In other news, no surprise, I have developed a mild case of OHSS. At least, I thought it was mild; when I went in to have my blood taken this morning, Inappropriate Lab Admin Asst took one look at me and said "You blowin' up again?" Me: "Looks like." Anyway, besides the OHSS, I feel pretty good. Not a lot in the way of symptoms except cramps, which don't concern me -- I figure it's just the embryo bedding down. No spotting at all.

Thanks so much for all of the good wishes and crossed fingers on my previous post. Really can't say how much it means to me that you are all out there rooting for us. I could never have anticipated the extent to which this has become a group project.

Next adventure: Wednesday's repeat beta. Since you all did such a splendid job with the finger-crossing for this beta, your next assignment is think doubley thoughts.

CD54/ 15dpo

Well, that last IUI didn't work. Had the blood test this morning, got the call this afternoon. It's okay, I knew what the call was going to say -- I've been assiduously peeing on sticks since 10dpo, and each one has been blanker than the last.

It was a long shot, anyway.

It means I get to stop the progesterone, which is good, because progesterone makes me strong with the crazy. I cried hysterically at Move On's latest ad. Guys now is not a good time to be emotionally manipulative mmkay. Particularly not by deploying ads featuring a besotted first time mother dandling her perfect cannon-fodder infant on her knee.

Hey, remember Inappropriate Lab Administrative Assistant? The one who told me I looked 6 months pregnant when I wasn't, and wanted to know what was wrong with me? I forgot to record our dialogue at the last visit:

ILAA: Baby doing good?
Me: Nope.
ILAA: Oh, you lost it?
Me: Yup.
ILAA: Sorry.
Me: Thanks.

The next time she saw me she started chattering about air conditioners, so I am glad to say that there will be no awkwardness between us.

So, back to the reproductive plans: we are embarking on IVF#2. To do list includes:

• Fill prescriptions from mail-order pharmacy
  
  
• Wait a suitable time for the baby aspirin to get out of my system and then have my anticardiolipin antibodies tested. Abnormalities in this area are a fairly common cause of miscarriage, and this testing is part of a recurrent miscarriage workup. Now, no doctor would send me for a recurrent miscarriage workup after one miscarriage, so I'm just ordering the tests on the internets and paying for them myself. It doesn't make sense to me to risk a $10k IVF in order to save $151 on a test. Plus, have I mentioned that I would really rather not go through that again? If I do have antiphospholipid antibody syndrome then it will actually be kind of good news -- it's easily treated with blood thinners. Big thanks to Hope for bringing this possibility to my attention.
  
  
• Persuade doctor to give me some metformin once I start downregging (that's the lupron phase, for the uninitiated). I've sent him an article and a note, which I chewed my pencil over for a long time. I don't want to piss him off. He's my connection to get hooked up with my future children. But metformin shows promise in reducing both rates of OHSS and miscarriage. I'd swallow hedgehogs to prevent OHSS and miscarriage this time around. I hope he is okay with it and prescribes me the met. If he doesn't, I'm sorry to say that I will probably just get some from Mexico. I've satisfied myself that metformin's a safe drug in this context, and have I mentioned that I really, really don't want to have OHSS or miscarry again?
  
  
• Start my period. Hear that, body? Please? I took a progesterone suppository this morning, but obviously won't this evening, and it remains to be seen how long it'll take my body to bleed. I'm a little tickled that I'm responding so neatly to the progesterone. A 15 day luteal period, huh? And not even any spotting. But I hope my body gets the memo right quick and starts bleeding. Once I do we'll really be starting the next cycle.

The report at 16dpo/11dp5dt

Beta report: still didn't double, but did rise.

12dpo/7dp5dt: 45
14dp/9dp5dt: 74
16dpo/11dp5dt: 120

Doubling time is 69 hours. Still, as friend Rebecca usefully reminded me, less than 72 hours is within normal range. of course I was hoping it would be a robust and comforting 48 hours, but still within normal range, still within normal range, still within normal range, I'm going to keep saying that until I believe it. Oh hey, how did I get the beta, you might ask, when I wasn't scheduled for one until Sunday? My dear wife reminded me that I had the (undated) lab slip and that all I had to do was sashay in, hand over the lab slip, and get the blood drawn. What're they going to do, cram the blood back into my veins? Then I called the RE's office and explained to the nice girl that I needed another lab slip for Sunday because I used the one I had been given today. Oops. I think she thinks I'm a bit of a loon, but who cares? She got me another lab slip.

Cramping and spotting report: Uterine cramps are still low-level and steady, with the occasional one that really makes me wince. Spotting is also steady but extremely light. I'm not too worried about those, as both seem common enough. Some women cramp steadily through the first trimester, apparently.

OHSS report: don't ask. Fortunately, the stomach cramps have been radically reduced by switching to an entirely liquid diet and eating (sipping) small amounts every hour or two. Unfortunately, this includes the night time -- if I don't put something in there every few hours I wake up feeling like I've got hedgehogs moshing in my stomach. I have learned, however, that Ensure is surprisingly tasty.

Hospital staff report: Inappropriate Lab Administrative Assistant was on duty today, the one who cheerfully told me on Wednesday (when my stomach was smaller than it was today) that I look six months pregnant. I am not walking these days so much as I am scuttling, since I can't come anywhere near to standing up straight. So today I crab walk my way in to get my bloodwork and the dialogue proceeds thusly:

IALAA: What's wrong with you?
Me, dumbfounded: I have ten pounds of extra fluid in my abdominal cavity.
IALAA: Oh. Is that a good thing?
Me: No.
IALAA: Huh.

Now, she works at a blood lab in a hospital. Presumably the hospital is full of sick people who walk funny because they're, you know, sick, or hurt or something. Does she really ask all of them what's wrong? Because I think what she should do is take people's lab slips and show them into the blood draw rooms and tell them to have a nice day.

Freaky fact: by some reckoning, 16dpo/11dp5dt = 4 weeks 3 days pregnant. Can't think of it that way yet.

Career report: I told my boss yesterday that I definitely wouldn't be in until Monday, and I don't know what I'll do if I still can't walk/eat/etc by then. Go to work with my grossly distended abdomen and explain to every single person why I can't walk? Take even more sick time? I have plenty of accrued time, but of course it's never politically neutral to take it. I may just have to say fuck it to all that, though. I'm not sure I'll be able to sit at a desk come Monday.

I have thought a bit about being a lesbian going through fertility treatments as opposed to being part of a straight couple going through fertility treatments. The people I work with are great, but I'm just not sure that I could expect sympathy and support for doing something that is so very outside of their frame of reference. I can so clearly imagine the puzzled stares: if she wants kids so badly, then why did she become a lesbian?

Gratitude report: I'm grateful for all the lovely, lovely comments I've gotten on my blog. I'm unutterably grateful that right this second I am pregnant. I am grateful that my BFF has secured for me a Wii. Her offer came at a time when I was feeling particularly physically wretched and thus entitled to any amusement I desired. I really think I've been trying to get a Wii for just about as long as I've been trying to get pregnant, although not with as concerted an effort (I stubbornly refused to pay more than the base price of a non-bundled unit).

Final score: I'm scared and uncomfortable but I think I'm winning.

still in the game

Monday's beta (12:30pm): 45
Wednesday's beta (8am): 74
Doubling time: 67 hours

not great, but not a disaster. i'm still in the game.

OHSS symptoms: completely miserable. Can't walk, eat, or breathe properly. My stomach looks like I'm six months pregnant. In fact, when I got my blood drawn today (for the second time today, third time this week) the technician thought I was six months pregnant.

Emergency doctor's appointment yielded: ovaries are the size of potatoes, are touching, are so big that they're pushed up into my intestines which are in turn pressing on my diaphragm. This is probably the source of my stomach cramps, nausea, and breathing problems.

in good news, the uterine cramps are still occasional but are low-key, and the spotting has slowed right down.


No new beta until Sunday. In a word, ARRGH. anyone know where I can get a black-market quantitative beta?