I'm betting the farm on the Ov-Watch this month. So far only the lightest of LH lines. Not great mucus yesterday, but very encouraging this morning. As far as I can tell the CM is the gatekeeper and once the little buggers get past that they can hang out for a good long time. I'm hoping that even if I'm way early the good CM will mean that they get decently into place. I do fear that we missed it by a week, the way we did last cycle. God I hope it's not another 35-day cycle... not the worst anyone's been through, I know someone who regularly has 45-day cycles, but argh. The Two Week Wait turning into a Three Week Wait is just too infuriating.
I'm going to keep charting, though. My big mistake last month was stopping recording all my signs once I thought I ovulated. Overconfident! If I had kept it up I'd have a much better idea when I actually went. This month I'm going to keep recording every single stinking day.
Speaking of data: I am obsessed with my new microscope. I used to have one as a kid and I'd forgotten how much I loved shoving things under it. It's fun seeing the salivary ferning, fun seeing the wiggly sperm, and even fun seeing the dead ones. The $5 Value Village kiddie model has been surprisingly useful, but I went ahead and snagged a better-quality model off of eBay. Next month I think we'll have marshaled the technology to do a home-semen analysis. I don't have any real doubts about the quality of KD's spunk -- it sure looks wiggly -- but it will be fun to have the numbers. Once again I congratulate myself on my foresight in acquiring a biologist girlfriend.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
CD16: the deed is done!
I do feel like we're getting better at this. Good things:
- Left the syringe in for the full half hour and hardly lost any on withdrawal;
- Spent that half hour having a lovely snuggle on the bed with B & the dogses;
- Mid-snuggle, the doorbell rang. It was a package from Best Friend, containing a fantastic little Sheela na Gig. Best Friend is totally pregnant right now, so I know that this particular Sheela is good at her job. She spent the rest of the half-hour on my stomach, and now she is grinning from the bedside table.
- Quote of the day: my darling saying "You know, we'll probably get away with this a few times, but if we keep it up sooner or later you're going to get pregnant."
- I never get tired of seeing the little guys under the microscope. It's just so cool to watch them bumble about. There's something adorable about that random motion -- I feel the same way about the Roomba.
I'm kind of glad that I spent last month being hyperaware of every twinge I felt during the TWW. Now when I feel all that stuff I'll know that it's not anything to get my panties in a twist about.
Right now I feel naughty and clever for finding a loophole in the whole needing-a-guy thing.
- Left the syringe in for the full half hour and hardly lost any on withdrawal;
- Spent that half hour having a lovely snuggle on the bed with B & the dogses;
- Mid-snuggle, the doorbell rang. It was a package from Best Friend, containing a fantastic little Sheela na Gig. Best Friend is totally pregnant right now, so I know that this particular Sheela is good at her job. She spent the rest of the half-hour on my stomach, and now she is grinning from the bedside table.
- Quote of the day: my darling saying "You know, we'll probably get away with this a few times, but if we keep it up sooner or later you're going to get pregnant."
- I never get tired of seeing the little guys under the microscope. It's just so cool to watch them bumble about. There's something adorable about that random motion -- I feel the same way about the Roomba.
I'm kind of glad that I spent last month being hyperaware of every twinge I felt during the TWW. Now when I feel all that stuff I'll know that it's not anything to get my panties in a twist about.
Right now I feel naughty and clever for finding a loophole in the whole needing-a-guy thing.
Monday, February 26, 2007
CD15
I just don't know. I just don't know. M has sent one of the shippers, so that means an insem tomorrow on B's grounds of "it won't make you any less pregnant". And if I trust the Ov-Watch then the timing's bang on; it's predicting days 16-17. But it still feels early to me in terms of mucus and cervical position -- and last cycle I probably didn't go until day 22.
On the other hand, that whole tuning-into-my-intuition thing is what lead to me inseminating a week too early last month. I said I'd go by the watch this month and I'll just have to try and keep my nerve.
Still, tomorrow would be a great time for a lovely LH surge and a bunch of EWCM, kthnx.
On the other hand, that whole tuning-into-my-intuition thing is what lead to me inseminating a week too early last month. I said I'd go by the watch this month and I'll just have to try and keep my nerve.
Still, tomorrow would be a great time for a lovely LH surge and a bunch of EWCM, kthnx.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
CD12
This morning I woke to this unwelcome sight
Unwelcome because it's only CD12, because the shippers aren't there yet and so there's no way M can ship today, because there's no freaking way to get a package across the country to arrive on a Sunday or Monday.
Sat - Fertile Day 2
Sun - Fertile Day 3
Mon - Fertile Day 4
Tues - Ov 1
Wed - Ov 2
The very best time would be days 3 and 4 and there's absolutely no way to do that, the timing couldn't be worse. If I had sent the shippers on time then he could've shipped today and we could've hit FD2, but no. As is we'll have to try for Tuesday and I dunno if I we should bother for Wednesday -- there's no point if the egg has dropped, and chances are that it will have. But who am I kidding? I know we'll try anyway.
--Or not. Just got off the phone with UPS. They won't leave the package on Saturday if there's no one to sign for it. I can't exactly say to M "spend your whole Saturday waiting for this package". Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.
Sometimes I'm just filled with frustration that our attempts to conceive are so dependent. We're dependent upon UPS, FedEx, the company that makes the buffer and nonsensically restricts access to it, the company that makes the shippers and might not sell them to me if they knew that they were for human use, the accuracy of all our ovulation prediction technology. Most of all we are dependent upon the good will of our KD; he seems to have a generous supply of good will and patience, but with every word that I say I'm conscious of not wanting to annoy. Well, if we were doing this frozen we'd be dependent upon the cryobank, the shipping company, and likely an RE and our insurance. There is just no getting around the fact that to get this done we need.
In my brighter moments this doesn't bother me at all. Sometimes I even really like the idea that it'll take a village to make this child. In my darker moments I just feel like a beggar.
ETA: KD is an officer and a gentleman. He has offered to stay home and wait for the package. I must get him a subscription to the Meat-of-the-Month club or somesuch.
Unwelcome because it's only CD12, because the shippers aren't there yet and so there's no way M can ship today, because there's no freaking way to get a package across the country to arrive on a Sunday or Monday.
Sat - Fertile Day 2
Sun - Fertile Day 3
Mon - Fertile Day 4
Tues - Ov 1
Wed - Ov 2
The very best time would be days 3 and 4 and there's absolutely no way to do that, the timing couldn't be worse. If I had sent the shippers on time then he could've shipped today and we could've hit FD2, but no. As is we'll have to try for Tuesday and I dunno if I we should bother for Wednesday -- there's no point if the egg has dropped, and chances are that it will have. But who am I kidding? I know we'll try anyway.
--Or not. Just got off the phone with UPS. They won't leave the package on Saturday if there's no one to sign for it. I can't exactly say to M "spend your whole Saturday waiting for this package". Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.
Sometimes I'm just filled with frustration that our attempts to conceive are so dependent. We're dependent upon UPS, FedEx, the company that makes the buffer and nonsensically restricts access to it, the company that makes the shippers and might not sell them to me if they knew that they were for human use, the accuracy of all our ovulation prediction technology. Most of all we are dependent upon the good will of our KD; he seems to have a generous supply of good will and patience, but with every word that I say I'm conscious of not wanting to annoy. Well, if we were doing this frozen we'd be dependent upon the cryobank, the shipping company, and likely an RE and our insurance. There is just no getting around the fact that to get this done we need.
In my brighter moments this doesn't bother me at all. Sometimes I even really like the idea that it'll take a village to make this child. In my darker moments I just feel like a beggar.
ETA: KD is an officer and a gentleman. He has offered to stay home and wait for the package. I must get him a subscription to the Meat-of-the-Month club or somesuch.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
CD11 head+desk=me
I don't understand the problem I'm having lately with counting. First we miss our plane on Tuesday because I look at my watch and think "plenty of time!" when in fact there is very little time. Now I have miscalculated the time it will take to send the big box of shippers + mug warmer to San Francisco. There's no way it's going to get there on time. The most likely day to ovulate is CD18 (although the stress may push it back, I have to assume that things will proceed on schedule). That's 3/1. Inseminations should be CD16+17, 2/27 + 2/28. That means the boxes will need to be mailed on 2/26 + 2/27. But the freezey pack needs to be frozen for 48 hours before shipping, bringing us to 2/24, which is this Saturday. Har har har. If I had just sent it two-day, it would have been fine, but I had to be cheap and send it ground, and with the President's Day delay it didn't even go out until yesterday, and there's no way on earth it could make it there in time.
If I may notice similarities between Tuesday's mistake and Friday's mistake (when I was shipping): blithe certainty that it will All Work Out, there's no need for me to pay close attention. Failure to accurately count, even on my fingers. Elastic sense of time. Situation that is not tragic, but is inconvenient and expensive, and takes some running around to fix.
I'm having two more shippers sent out directly from the company, overnight. I'm waiting for them to call back and tell me they can do this. I could just wait this cycle out but HAHAHAHAHA I am so not in the mood to miss one, I'd rather cough up an extra $150 to not have to miss this cycle. And it's really only $120 because of the wasted Ov-Watch sensor.
Why has Equitainer not called me back? *drums fingers*
ETA: ordered via another company. A bit more expensive, but they actually called me back. Am not filled with confidence in Hamilton Research Inc. Shippers should be to CA by Saturday. Once again, a thick application of money has more or less compensated for a dumb moment. I should be grateful. Am grateful. As long as the mistakes I make can be fixed by some cash, I'm not so badly off.
I am so glad I am not a surgeon, or an air-traffic controller.
If I may notice similarities between Tuesday's mistake and Friday's mistake (when I was shipping): blithe certainty that it will All Work Out, there's no need for me to pay close attention. Failure to accurately count, even on my fingers. Elastic sense of time. Situation that is not tragic, but is inconvenient and expensive, and takes some running around to fix.
I'm having two more shippers sent out directly from the company, overnight. I'm waiting for them to call back and tell me they can do this. I could just wait this cycle out but HAHAHAHAHA I am so not in the mood to miss one, I'd rather cough up an extra $150 to not have to miss this cycle. And it's really only $120 because of the wasted Ov-Watch sensor.
Why has Equitainer not called me back? *drums fingers*
ETA: ordered via another company. A bit more expensive, but they actually called me back. Am not filled with confidence in Hamilton Research Inc. Shippers should be to CA by Saturday. Once again, a thick application of money has more or less compensated for a dumb moment. I should be grateful. Am grateful. As long as the mistakes I make can be fixed by some cash, I'm not so badly off.
I am so glad I am not a surgeon, or an air-traffic controller.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Cycle 2, CD5
So I have this thing for Camper shoes, expensive soft Spanish- or Moroccan-made footwear with a whimsical design sensibility. And every day I get an email from eBay that tells me if anything new has been posted with a title containing the keywords "Camper" and "37".
This morning my inbox contained a link for a listing entitled "CAMPER TWINS SPERM & EGG MULES RED SHOES 37/7 L/NEW". Sperm and egg shoes? said I. Perhaps they will be my lucky conception shoes!
I clicked on over eagerly, only to be greeted with this sight:
Cute shoes! Cute egg! Cute sperm! And a tragic genetic defect! The egg is question is clearly suffering from polyspermy. That egg has been penetrated by two sperm (the sperm in question also appear to have missed the nucleus, but let's call that one artistic license). The shoes may be cute, but that is gonna be one useless zygote.
This morning my inbox contained a link for a listing entitled "CAMPER TWINS SPERM & EGG MULES RED SHOES 37/7 L/NEW". Sperm and egg shoes? said I. Perhaps they will be my lucky conception shoes!
I clicked on over eagerly, only to be greeted with this sight:
Cute shoes! Cute egg! Cute sperm! And a tragic genetic defect! The egg is question is clearly suffering from polyspermy. That egg has been penetrated by two sperm (the sperm in question also appear to have missed the nucleus, but let's call that one artistic license). The shoes may be cute, but that is gonna be one useless zygote.
Monday, February 12, 2007
CD1 \o/
Well, that was excruciating. Luckily, it shouldn't be so bad again -- the only reason I had such a long wait (or "luteal period", har har) was because I totally miscalculated ovulation. Next time the wait should be two weeks max. Did I say that out loud?
Period is fairly heavy-duty, thanks to the insanely long cycle. Luckily, am distracted by the stomach bug I've picked up that has kept all my other orifices busy causing me trouble in their own ways. Lalala.
Never mind, never mind. The important thing is that I get to start using my new technology. Tonight I will be smokin' hot in my Ov-Watch.
Period is fairly heavy-duty, thanks to the insanely long cycle. Luckily, am distracted by the stomach bug I've picked up that has kept all my other orifices busy causing me trouble in their own ways. Lalala.
Never mind, never mind. The important thing is that I get to start using my new technology. Tonight I will be smokin' hot in my Ov-Watch.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
CD35...
A tiny bit of pale spotting last night. This period is by no means eager to show up. I wish to heck it would. I'm ready for another go; I have all my technology ready to spring into action CD1. CD1, ya hear? Not CD35. This is now officially rivalling my longest cycle ever -- one 35-day'er in a month when I had a terrible virus.
Ah, well. Since we passed the point when I reasonably could have tested positive (and I figured out my miscalculated ovulation date) I have felt really calm.
Ah, well. Since we passed the point when I reasonably could have tested positive (and I figured out my miscalculated ovulation date) I have felt really calm.
Friday, February 9, 2007
CD33, ??DPO
Yeeahhhh. Am increasingly convinced that I was in a cracked-out hormonal frenzy when I convinced myself that I was ovulating early. I wasn't sleeping well, had an extremely stale houseguest, and was generally twitchy enough that my judgment was questionable. Plus, I was taking Evening Primrose Oil, which extends your fertile mucus -- great, except when you're trying to use your mucus as a basis for predicting ovulation. *headdesk*
So, to rearrange thinking: If I start on Sunday, I will have had a 34 day cycle, during which I most likely ovulated around day 20. That's a good four days after the second insemination. Ooopsie. Ne'er mind.
Good: that puts the next cycle's fertile days squarely at the end of February, long enough after getting back from Tarpon Springs that I won't feel too sheepish about darting out of work in the morning to go play with sperm.
So if I start Sunday, likely window days 18-20 for ovulation, days 16-19 for insems, 2/26-3/1. 2/26 is a Monday, and thus unshippable, but I'd feel reasonably sanguine about doing the Tuesday and Wednesday. So 2/27-3/1.
This time I will not be lazy and stop tracking Ovacue/CM/CP after I spuriously declare ovulation. I want a full month of data this time. If I had kept it up this month I might have spared myself some of the agony.
Note to self: buy more tests fomg. Experiment with mug warmer to see if it is at all useful at keeping water at 37C. Syringes have arrived; syringe tips are out for delivery right this second. Ov-watch is ready. A phalanx of technology awaits.
Of course, until my period actually arrives, I'm going to keep testing like a fiend...
So, to rearrange thinking: If I start on Sunday, I will have had a 34 day cycle, during which I most likely ovulated around day 20. That's a good four days after the second insemination. Ooopsie. Ne'er mind.
Good: that puts the next cycle's fertile days squarely at the end of February, long enough after getting back from Tarpon Springs that I won't feel too sheepish about darting out of work in the morning to go play with sperm.
So if I start Sunday, likely window days 18-20 for ovulation, days 16-19 for insems, 2/26-3/1. 2/26 is a Monday, and thus unshippable, but I'd feel reasonably sanguine about doing the Tuesday and Wednesday. So 2/27-3/1.
This time I will not be lazy and stop tracking Ovacue/CM/CP after I spuriously declare ovulation. I want a full month of data this time. If I had kept it up this month I might have spared myself some of the agony.
Note to self: buy more tests fomg. Experiment with mug warmer to see if it is at all useful at keeping water at 37C. Syringes have arrived; syringe tips are out for delivery right this second. Ov-watch is ready. A phalanx of technology awaits.
Of course, until my period actually arrives, I'm going to keep testing like a fiend...
Thursday, February 8, 2007
CD32, 16DPO: 2
Still not king.
At this point, it's most likely that I am going for one of my occasional 32-34 day cycles. This is a little depressing, because it means that I totally mistimed the first two inseminations. It's also a little uplifting, because I'd rather have a cycle fail because I mistimed it than for no reason at all -- at least then there's something I can do differently next month.
Cramps are back, still no spotting.
*counts back*
Yeah, if I get it tomorrow then 14 days previously I was still making EWCM. It makes sense. I was just impatient and jumped the gun. In a manner of speaking. Dunno whether the Ovacue would have caught it, because I was an idiot and stopped taking readings after I "ovulated".
Well, lesson learned. This time I'm going by the Ov Watch and no matter how strongly my womanly intuition tells me otherwise, I'm not going inseminate until the magic watch tells me to. And I will keep with the Ovacue, and possibly even the LH sticks. It's entirely possible that they didn't fail me last month, after all.
Sheesh. Since I have approximately $500 worth of durable medical equipment enlisted in this project, maybe I should think about paying attention to what it says.
At this point, it's most likely that I am going for one of my occasional 32-34 day cycles. This is a little depressing, because it means that I totally mistimed the first two inseminations. It's also a little uplifting, because I'd rather have a cycle fail because I mistimed it than for no reason at all -- at least then there's something I can do differently next month.
Cramps are back, still no spotting.
*counts back*
Yeah, if I get it tomorrow then 14 days previously I was still making EWCM. It makes sense. I was just impatient and jumped the gun. In a manner of speaking. Dunno whether the Ovacue would have caught it, because I was an idiot and stopped taking readings after I "ovulated".
Well, lesson learned. This time I'm going by the Ov Watch and no matter how strongly my womanly intuition tells me otherwise, I'm not going inseminate until the magic watch tells me to. And I will keep with the Ovacue, and possibly even the LH sticks. It's entirely possible that they didn't fail me last month, after all.
Sheesh. Since I have approximately $500 worth of durable medical equipment enlisted in this project, maybe I should think about paying attention to what it says.
CD32, 16FDPO
That's right. 16 freakin' days. I never imagined that by now I would still not know.
On the bright side, it's now virtually certain that we'll be back home in time for the next round.
To Google: "anovulatory cycle". "stress delayed ovulation". "stress delayed menstruation". "16DPO BFN WTF".
On the bright side, it's now virtually certain that we'll be back home in time for the next round.
To Google: "anovulatory cycle". "stress delayed ovulation". "stress delayed menstruation". "16DPO BFN WTF".
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
CD31, 15DPO
WTF.
All negative tests, no period. Have felt gushy several times, but nothing's there, not even spotting.
On the bright side, every passing moment makes it less likely that February's inseminations will have to take place at the Holiday Inn Tarpon Springs.
All negative tests, no period. Have felt gushy several times, but nothing's there, not even spotting.
On the bright side, every passing moment makes it less likely that February's inseminations will have to take place at the Holiday Inn Tarpon Springs.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
CD30, 14DPO
I imagine that by the end of the day I'll be updating that to "CD1".
Woke up at 6:30 this morning, with cramps and a gushy feeling. Scurried into bathroom to get pad. Nothing there, so I tested (neg), and put in a pad. Went back to sleep. Over coffee, talked with B about how we're really sort of relieved that it isn't this cycle. I'm not even sure if I'm lying.
No cramps since this morning. Oh, wait -- there they are. Maybe a little.
Oh, demon hope. Right this second I have heartburn. Clearly, it means something -- something besides "I had black coffee and chocolate chip cookies for breakfast".
Well, tain't over until the red flag flies.
*checks panties for flagpoles*
Woke up at 6:30 this morning, with cramps and a gushy feeling. Scurried into bathroom to get pad. Nothing there, so I tested (neg), and put in a pad. Went back to sleep. Over coffee, talked with B about how we're really sort of relieved that it isn't this cycle. I'm not even sure if I'm lying.
No cramps since this morning. Oh, wait -- there they are. Maybe a little.
Oh, demon hope. Right this second I have heartburn. Clearly, it means something -- something besides "I had black coffee and chocolate chip cookies for breakfast".
Well, tain't over until the red flag flies.
*checks panties for flagpoles*
Monday, February 5, 2007
CD29, 13DPO
And ohhhh yeah I'm getting my period any second now. *peers into underwear*
Cripes. I wish it would hold out just, like, two more days. I would personally really rather not be doing the next round of inseminations at the Holiday Inn Tarpon Springs. Of course, the very traveling might knock the cycle off sufficiently... I guess I could just try and be really really stressed next week and hope that it delays ovulation. Maybe I'll, like, go and volunteer for the Republicans. Or go sky diving?
Cripes. I wish it would hold out just, like, two more days. I would personally really rather not be doing the next round of inseminations at the Holiday Inn Tarpon Springs. Of course, the very traveling might knock the cycle off sufficiently... I guess I could just try and be really really stressed next week and hope that it delays ovulation. Maybe I'll, like, go and volunteer for the Republicans. Or go sky diving?
Okay, belly button is really uncomfortable, like someone poked it.
Or, of course, it could be a hernia. How's that for an offering to the pessimism gods?
Magical thinking. It seems bad luck, jinxy, tempting fate to expect the best. But that's not the way it works for S. She expects the best and gets it. What experience do I have to tell me that always expecting the worst actually helps?
Okay, now my belly button is annoying me so much that I unbuttoned my trousers and tucked the flaps in... maybe I just need bigger pants.
Or, of course, it could be a hernia. How's that for an offering to the pessimism gods?
Magical thinking. It seems bad luck, jinxy, tempting fate to expect the best. But that's not the way it works for S. She expects the best and gets it. What experience do I have to tell me that always expecting the worst actually helps?
Okay, now my belly button is annoying me so much that I unbuttoned my trousers and tucked the flaps in... maybe I just need bigger pants.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
CD28, 12DPO
Have ordered 10-mo supply of syringes and caps. *cracks knuckles* Tomorrow, new toy Ov-Watch. Flexible spending dollars are just like free money!
I told S a while ago that this was definitely the overthinking-woman's way to reproduce. It appeals to me in the way that timeshare-trading appeals to my mother. There's just so much to know.
Like, the syringes are not any syringes, but are latex-free ones. There are currently two manufacturers of latex-free syringes with North American distribution. One of those manufacturers seems to be known for superior quality. Check. Then, of course, there's a variety of retail outlet from whence those syringes can be purchased. Check. The proper sort of syringe caps. Delivery services researched for convenience of location, reliability and price. Check. Account opened. Labels pre-printed. Decision reached about catheters (current decision: no). Decision on shipping protocol (test tube or syringe? syringe, on the grounds that it cuts down transfers and exposure to air). There are about six companies that make cooled-semen shipping containers. The ones that I bought I am quite confident are the best, with the sturdiest outer boxes, the most secure foam blocks, and the most reliable passive cooling system. Each decision has been optimized, first for quality, then for price.
All of this soothes me. There are so many things I regret, chances I've let slip by with halfhearted efforts (like, say, graduate school). This will not be one of them. No matter what happens I'll be able to look myself in the eye and know yes, yes I did do all I could.
Still undecided about the OPKs. If I do get an LH surge it'll be a cheering confirmation of my other methods. On the other hand, I am getting very sick of the sight of my own urine. Oh well, I've a week to decide.
I told S a while ago that this was definitely the overthinking-woman's way to reproduce. It appeals to me in the way that timeshare-trading appeals to my mother. There's just so much to know.
Like, the syringes are not any syringes, but are latex-free ones. There are currently two manufacturers of latex-free syringes with North American distribution. One of those manufacturers seems to be known for superior quality. Check. Then, of course, there's a variety of retail outlet from whence those syringes can be purchased. Check. The proper sort of syringe caps. Delivery services researched for convenience of location, reliability and price. Check. Account opened. Labels pre-printed. Decision reached about catheters (current decision: no). Decision on shipping protocol (test tube or syringe? syringe, on the grounds that it cuts down transfers and exposure to air). There are about six companies that make cooled-semen shipping containers. The ones that I bought I am quite confident are the best, with the sturdiest outer boxes, the most secure foam blocks, and the most reliable passive cooling system. Each decision has been optimized, first for quality, then for price.
All of this soothes me. There are so many things I regret, chances I've let slip by with halfhearted efforts (like, say, graduate school). This will not be one of them. No matter what happens I'll be able to look myself in the eye and know yes, yes I did do all I could.
Still undecided about the OPKs. If I do get an LH surge it'll be a cheering confirmation of my other methods. On the other hand, I am getting very sick of the sight of my own urine. Oh well, I've a week to decide.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
CD27, 11DPO
Things I did today:
1) Used one of my First Response tests.
2) Google searched "11dpo bfn".
I must say that the FRER was a far more dignified experience than the cheap pee-strips -- you immediately pop a plastic cover over the wick end, thus keeping self from being splattered with own urine. Not sure if it's worth a premium of $6.10 per test, though, not with my habit.
Breasts exactly as tender as they usually are a few days before my period. No EWCM. At least it means my progesterone is on the case.
I think a part of me is afraid that if I don't manage to do this fast, the other parties may get fed up and want to quit. Intellectually I know it's unlikely, but I can't help feeling quick quick before anyone changes their mind. Including me, I guess.
I'm determined not to fall into the trap of being angry with my body. I see people who curse their "recalcitrant" bodies and refer to their periods as wicked and hateful. That can't be good. It's like sheesh, if you're going to ask a really big favor of your body, you'd better be nice to it, not abuse it. Accordingly, I ate vegetables twice last week. That ought to do me for a few months.
Apparently, still feel need to joke.
Things that I will not do while TTC:
1) Curse my own body
2) Let the process erode my relationship
3) Get moony at other people's babies
4) Stop drinking coffee.
Also, I will start exercising as soon as my period starts. My yoga class isn't enough considering that I am entirely sedentary the rest of the time. Frankly, right now the place is a bit run-down, and it seems a little rude to invite another being to live here given its condition.
Things I will do once my period starts:
1) Start exercising
2) Try one of those colon cleanse capsule regimes
3) Reach decision about hypertension. I'm pretty sure it's the Wellbutrin that's pushing me out of acceptable territory. Anything that seems to actually work for me seems to increase my blood pressure as well. Goddamn. I had to be one of the 4%. Options: discontinue Wellbutrin, try not to act too crazy. Continue Wellbutrin, try and find antihypertensive with acceptable pregnancy profile. Do nothing, force obstetrician to force me to deal with it. Continue Wellbutrin, don't see doctor, buy Resperate and see if it works. The last option means purchasing a gadget, so of course it's the most appealing.
1) Used one of my First Response tests.
2) Google searched "11dpo bfn".
I must say that the FRER was a far more dignified experience than the cheap pee-strips -- you immediately pop a plastic cover over the wick end, thus keeping self from being splattered with own urine. Not sure if it's worth a premium of $6.10 per test, though, not with my habit.
Breasts exactly as tender as they usually are a few days before my period. No EWCM. At least it means my progesterone is on the case.
I think a part of me is afraid that if I don't manage to do this fast, the other parties may get fed up and want to quit. Intellectually I know it's unlikely, but I can't help feeling quick quick before anyone changes their mind. Including me, I guess.
I'm determined not to fall into the trap of being angry with my body. I see people who curse their "recalcitrant" bodies and refer to their periods as wicked and hateful. That can't be good. It's like sheesh, if you're going to ask a really big favor of your body, you'd better be nice to it, not abuse it. Accordingly, I ate vegetables twice last week. That ought to do me for a few months.
Apparently, still feel need to joke.
Things that I will not do while TTC:
1) Curse my own body
2) Let the process erode my relationship
3) Get moony at other people's babies
4) Stop drinking coffee.
Also, I will start exercising as soon as my period starts. My yoga class isn't enough considering that I am entirely sedentary the rest of the time. Frankly, right now the place is a bit run-down, and it seems a little rude to invite another being to live here given its condition.
Things I will do once my period starts:
1) Start exercising
2) Try one of those colon cleanse capsule regimes
3) Reach decision about hypertension. I'm pretty sure it's the Wellbutrin that's pushing me out of acceptable territory. Anything that seems to actually work for me seems to increase my blood pressure as well. Goddamn. I had to be one of the 4%. Options: discontinue Wellbutrin, try not to act too crazy. Continue Wellbutrin, try and find antihypertensive with acceptable pregnancy profile. Do nothing, force obstetrician to force me to deal with it. Continue Wellbutrin, don't see doctor, buy Resperate and see if it works. The last option means purchasing a gadget, so of course it's the most appealing.
Friday, February 2, 2007
CD26, 10DPO
Negative this morning the first morning I realistically could have gotten a positive. Is okay. I am very, very glad I've been testing -- if I had been waiting and building up to this morning, I think the letdown would have been enormous.
Well, I'm still not out of the game. But I need to start planning for next month.
Monday: buy Ov-Watch with second day shipping. Should be here on Wednesday, aka CD1.
To buy:
more syringes, 10cc Air-Tite. 20?
Syringe tips, 20
needles (18-ga?), 20
I'm undecided about LH tests. They completely failed for me this cycle, and they're messy and tedious. OTOH, it'd be interesting to see how and if they correlate with the Ovacue and Ov-Watch.
Musings about ovulation prediction technology:
The Ovacue has not been useless, but it has been a bit of a disappointment. I'd say its major utility is for not predicting, but confirming ovulation. That's not nothing, but it's also probably not enough for something that is sold for $400. I'm pretty happy having paid $250, and I figure I can easily get back $200 of that when I sell it. But the length between cue peak and ovulation is just too variable. Maybe it's fine for people who just need to know vaguely when to fuck -- but if that's all they need, they can probably get that far with cervical mucus. For precise timing it's just not that useful.
On the other hand, it is *the* only way I know of confirming ovulation, and if you didn't have any health insurance covering infertility, that could be huge. Or if, like me, you just really hate doctors. Considering all I have spent and will spend on ovulation prediction, I'm sure it would have been cheaper to go to a doctor and be monitored via ultrasounds... but I just really, really want to at least try to do this at home, on our bed, together. And I'm so lazy. If I buy some gadget, then I do not have to leave the house. The outside world is cold and has no little white dogs.
If the Ov-Watch actually does give four days advance notice, then it will be worth every penny. I chafe at the expensive sensors (although I also intend to try and figure out if there's any way to reuse them), but if it works it will be exactly what is needed.
I've also ordered some water-hardness testing strips for testing my saliva. I'll be interested to see how closely the calcium/magnesium change lines up with the NaCl peak of the Ov-Watch, or the mysterious "electrolytes" of the Ovacue. If -- as this patent seems to indicate it might -- it matches up pretty well with the Ov-Watch then that will be, like, a major breakthrough in lesbian insemination technology, considering that I just paid $10 for 50 sticks. It's like the freaking wedding industry. If it's vaguely fertility-related, color it pink and add an extra zero onto the price. And we will pay it.
I bought the law and the law won:
Got the bill from M's lawyer. A cool $225 more than she estimated, but I guess if you're a lawyer that's pocket change. Grrr. Well, if she had told me up front how much it was going to cost, it's not like I would have said no. I think the whole lawyer thing is going to end up being $1k+ more or less wasted, but it falls into the category of insurance, I guess. I have to be able to say that I did all I could do to protect us. Although it's not true; I could have pushed harder for M&G to actually execute the agreement before trying the first cycle... I just didn't care any more by then, and indeed I think that if we had had to wait another month I would be in a corner somewhere eating my hands.
Things that I used to laugh at TTC-ers for doing:
1) Testing before the period is due. "Oh for heaven's sake," I used to think. "Wait two more days and you'll have a free test. Quit squinting at faint lines, come back in a week and you'll have a real result.
...
Yeah. I have new insight on exactly how long two days -- or a week -- can be.
2) Posting to message boards to analyze symptoms. "My hair is extra static-y this morning and I craved curly fries..." There are so many boards that post early early pregnancy symptoms, but none of them have a posting area for "symptoms I got in cycles during which I was not pregnant." I suspect the two boards would look very much alike. But. But. But. I was totally in the mood for tuna fish yesterday. Does it mean something?? *searches message boards*
3) Perusing pictures of other people's HPTs. In fairness, I wasn't so much looking to see what they looked like -- I am smart enough to tell "line" from "no line" -- as the reported DPOs. But still. I spent the better part of an hour looking at pictures of strangers' urine tests. That is not right. Does it mean something??
4) Referring to the menstrual period as "AF" for "Aunt Flo", and the act of sexual intercourse as "BD" for "Baby Dancing". I still laugh at this, particularly the second term. Cripes, how do you expect to ever get pregnant if you can't even say "HAVE SEX"?
I also don't much like the terminology of BFP and BFN, but they are so ubiquitous that I feel that I could hardly communicate without them. A BFP is much more than a positive on an hCG test. I'll just pretend to myself that it's "Big Fuckin' Positive", which somehow makes it infinitely more palatable.
And, on the subject of "baby dancing":
Although it is one of the griefs of being lesbians that we are automatically infertile together, it is one of the great gifts that we never have to turn sexual intimacy into a mechanistic process. I mean, I hear it's fun for a while, the "purposeful fucking" as Lauren used to call it -- but I also hear that after a year or so, it gets grim and depressing. I can easily imagine my body rebelling against being told what to do and when to do it.
The real question, though: will I ever be able to concentrate on my job again? If not, what the heck and I going to present at this meeting next weekend?
Well, I'm still not out of the game. But I need to start planning for next month.
Monday: buy Ov-Watch with second day shipping. Should be here on Wednesday, aka CD1.
To buy:
more syringes, 10cc Air-Tite. 20?
Syringe tips, 20
needles (18-ga?), 20
I'm undecided about LH tests. They completely failed for me this cycle, and they're messy and tedious. OTOH, it'd be interesting to see how and if they correlate with the Ovacue and Ov-Watch.
Musings about ovulation prediction technology:
The Ovacue has not been useless, but it has been a bit of a disappointment. I'd say its major utility is for not predicting, but confirming ovulation. That's not nothing, but it's also probably not enough for something that is sold for $400. I'm pretty happy having paid $250, and I figure I can easily get back $200 of that when I sell it. But the length between cue peak and ovulation is just too variable. Maybe it's fine for people who just need to know vaguely when to fuck -- but if that's all they need, they can probably get that far with cervical mucus. For precise timing it's just not that useful.
On the other hand, it is *the* only way I know of confirming ovulation, and if you didn't have any health insurance covering infertility, that could be huge. Or if, like me, you just really hate doctors. Considering all I have spent and will spend on ovulation prediction, I'm sure it would have been cheaper to go to a doctor and be monitored via ultrasounds... but I just really, really want to at least try to do this at home, on our bed, together. And I'm so lazy. If I buy some gadget, then I do not have to leave the house. The outside world is cold and has no little white dogs.
If the Ov-Watch actually does give four days advance notice, then it will be worth every penny. I chafe at the expensive sensors (although I also intend to try and figure out if there's any way to reuse them), but if it works it will be exactly what is needed.
I've also ordered some water-hardness testing strips for testing my saliva. I'll be interested to see how closely the calcium/magnesium change lines up with the NaCl peak of the Ov-Watch, or the mysterious "electrolytes" of the Ovacue. If -- as this patent seems to indicate it might -- it matches up pretty well with the Ov-Watch then that will be, like, a major breakthrough in lesbian insemination technology, considering that I just paid $10 for 50 sticks. It's like the freaking wedding industry. If it's vaguely fertility-related, color it pink and add an extra zero onto the price. And we will pay it.
I bought the law and the law won:
Got the bill from M's lawyer. A cool $225 more than she estimated, but I guess if you're a lawyer that's pocket change. Grrr. Well, if she had told me up front how much it was going to cost, it's not like I would have said no. I think the whole lawyer thing is going to end up being $1k+ more or less wasted, but it falls into the category of insurance, I guess. I have to be able to say that I did all I could do to protect us. Although it's not true; I could have pushed harder for M&G to actually execute the agreement before trying the first cycle... I just didn't care any more by then, and indeed I think that if we had had to wait another month I would be in a corner somewhere eating my hands.
Things that I used to laugh at TTC-ers for doing:
1) Testing before the period is due. "Oh for heaven's sake," I used to think. "Wait two more days and you'll have a free test. Quit squinting at faint lines, come back in a week and you'll have a real result.
...
Yeah. I have new insight on exactly how long two days -- or a week -- can be.
2) Posting to message boards to analyze symptoms. "My hair is extra static-y this morning and I craved curly fries..." There are so many boards that post early early pregnancy symptoms, but none of them have a posting area for "symptoms I got in cycles during which I was not pregnant." I suspect the two boards would look very much alike. But. But. But. I was totally in the mood for tuna fish yesterday. Does it mean something?? *searches message boards*
3) Perusing pictures of other people's HPTs. In fairness, I wasn't so much looking to see what they looked like -- I am smart enough to tell "line" from "no line" -- as the reported DPOs. But still. I spent the better part of an hour looking at pictures of strangers' urine tests. That is not right. Does it mean something??
4) Referring to the menstrual period as "AF" for "Aunt Flo", and the act of sexual intercourse as "BD" for "Baby Dancing". I still laugh at this, particularly the second term. Cripes, how do you expect to ever get pregnant if you can't even say "HAVE SEX"?
I also don't much like the terminology of BFP and BFN, but they are so ubiquitous that I feel that I could hardly communicate without them. A BFP is much more than a positive on an hCG test. I'll just pretend to myself that it's "Big Fuckin' Positive", which somehow makes it infinitely more palatable.
And, on the subject of "baby dancing":
Although it is one of the griefs of being lesbians that we are automatically infertile together, it is one of the great gifts that we never have to turn sexual intimacy into a mechanistic process. I mean, I hear it's fun for a while, the "purposeful fucking" as Lauren used to call it -- but I also hear that after a year or so, it gets grim and depressing. I can easily imagine my body rebelling against being told what to do and when to do it.
The real question, though: will I ever be able to concentrate on my job again? If not, what the heck and I going to present at this meeting next weekend?
Thursday, February 1, 2007
CD25, 9DPO II
More prickly cramps. It will suck if this is just what my cycle will be like with the addition of semen.
I am so bad at this.
Someone needs to keep me off of PubMed. I'm going squinty reading abstracts of papers on ovulation prediction. What I should be taking away from this is that it's impossible to control or predict with total accuracy, and that I had better just settle down for a good long haul in trying. But. But. But.
Am shopping for an Ov-Watch now. Surely if I purchase the right combination of equipment, a baby will appear.
head. desk.
I am so bad at this.
Someone needs to keep me off of PubMed. I'm going squinty reading abstracts of papers on ovulation prediction. What I should be taking away from this is that it's impossible to control or predict with total accuracy, and that I had better just settle down for a good long haul in trying. But. But. But.
Am shopping for an Ov-Watch now. Surely if I purchase the right combination of equipment, a baby will appear.
head. desk.
CD25, 9DPO
Symptoms: none. None at all. My breasts are sore in exactly the same way that my breasts are sore before every period. No sign of the cramps that have bothered me steadily for the past week. A bit of EWCM.
Mood: low.
I have been testing every morning, which is crazy, but also necessary, I think. I thought I was just indulging myself when I started, but starting to test when there was no hope will I think help cushion the blow when/if I start to test within a plausible window and still get negatives. It's just a habit, wake up, test. No harm no foul. I'm so glad that I bought the internet cheapies, because I'd hate myself for wasting tests like this if they cost more than $.40 each. For $.40/ea I can write it off as strictly entertainment, or practice, or something.
I did buy a box of the FRERs, and will use one tomorrow, but I can't say that I really expect that they're much more sensitive than the internet cheapies.
I was so convinced earlier in the week (before I read about how it seems like all the lesbians gets cramps when they start introducing semen into thevagina situation). And now I just feel so... normal.
And I'm playing games upon games upon games with myself, trying to manipulate the world. If I get depressed now, maybe the "things you expect to happen never do" rule will kick in and it'll be positive. On the other hand, perhaps I must show faith by not ordering the extra syringes. Or is that too smug? And I know perfectly well that there is no rhyme or reason, that people who deserve to get pregnant often don't (and vice versa) so no matter how deserving I make myself it won't affect things.
And yet and yet and yet.
Do I even want it to happen this month?
Pros:
No more agonizing uncertainty about my fertility.
No more dependence on/bothering M.
Age close to S's.
Little living thing with buddha hands, sooner rather than later.
Would mean that those unpleasant cramps were a symptom and not something I will be enjoying every single month after insemination.
Cons:
Fatigue/symptoms might make it difficult for me to finish the bathroom renovations.
We could use extra time to come to terms with the idea, I think.
Donor agreement not yet executed, wtf.
In a week it'll all be over one way or another. I sure hope I get better at this two-week wait business. Although I still feel better than I did before we started. God, there is nothing on this green earth that I can be mellow about, is there? You name it, I sweat it -- big stuff, small stuff, medium-sized stuff, microscopic stuff. Is it my biology? Or was it being raised in an atmosphere of fear? I want courage. I need courage. What will give me courage? Maybe I need a tattoo. Changing my name will help. Whatever, I've begun, I've begun, that's brave enough, isn't it?
Mood: low.
I have been testing every morning, which is crazy, but also necessary, I think. I thought I was just indulging myself when I started, but starting to test when there was no hope will I think help cushion the blow when/if I start to test within a plausible window and still get negatives. It's just a habit, wake up, test. No harm no foul. I'm so glad that I bought the internet cheapies, because I'd hate myself for wasting tests like this if they cost more than $.40 each. For $.40/ea I can write it off as strictly entertainment, or practice, or something.
I did buy a box of the FRERs, and will use one tomorrow, but I can't say that I really expect that they're much more sensitive than the internet cheapies.
I was so convinced earlier in the week (before I read about how it seems like all the lesbians gets cramps when they start introducing semen into the
And I'm playing games upon games upon games with myself, trying to manipulate the world. If I get depressed now, maybe the "things you expect to happen never do" rule will kick in and it'll be positive. On the other hand, perhaps I must show faith by not ordering the extra syringes. Or is that too smug? And I know perfectly well that there is no rhyme or reason, that people who deserve to get pregnant often don't (and vice versa) so no matter how deserving I make myself it won't affect things.
And yet and yet and yet.
Do I even want it to happen this month?
Pros:
No more agonizing uncertainty about my fertility.
No more dependence on/bothering M.
Age close to S's.
Little living thing with buddha hands, sooner rather than later.
Would mean that those unpleasant cramps were a symptom and not something I will be enjoying every single month after insemination.
Cons:
Fatigue/symptoms might make it difficult for me to finish the bathroom renovations.
We could use extra time to come to terms with the idea, I think.
Donor agreement not yet executed, wtf.
In a week it'll all be over one way or another. I sure hope I get better at this two-week wait business. Although I still feel better than I did before we started. God, there is nothing on this green earth that I can be mellow about, is there? You name it, I sweat it -- big stuff, small stuff, medium-sized stuff, microscopic stuff. Is it my biology? Or was it being raised in an atmosphere of fear? I want courage. I need courage. What will give me courage? Maybe I need a tattoo. Changing my name will help. Whatever, I've begun, I've begun, that's brave enough, isn't it?
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