CD25, 9DPO

Symptoms: none. None at all. My breasts are sore in exactly the same way that my breasts are sore before every period. No sign of the cramps that have bothered me steadily for the past week. A bit of EWCM.

Mood: low.

I have been testing every morning, which is crazy, but also necessary, I think. I thought I was just indulging myself when I started, but starting to test when there was no hope will I think help cushion the blow when/if I start to test within a plausible window and still get negatives. It's just a habit, wake up, test. No harm no foul.  I'm so glad that I bought the internet cheapies, because I'd hate myself for wasting tests like this if they cost more than $.40 each. For $.40/ea I can write it off as strictly entertainment, or practice, or something.

I did buy a box of the FRERs, and will use one tomorrow, but I can't say that I really expect that they're much more sensitive than the internet cheapies.

I was so convinced earlier in the week (before I read about how it seems like all the lesbians gets cramps when they start introducing semen into the vagina situation). And now I just feel so... normal.

And I'm playing games upon games upon games with myself, trying to manipulate the world. If I get depressed now, maybe the "things you expect to happen never do" rule will kick in and it'll be positive. On the other hand, perhaps I must show faith by not ordering the extra syringes. Or is that too smug? And I know perfectly well that there is no rhyme or reason, that people who deserve to get pregnant often don't (and vice versa) so no matter how deserving I make myself it won't affect things.

And yet and yet and yet.

Do I even want it to happen this month?

Pros:
No more agonizing uncertainty about my fertility.
No more dependence on/bothering M.
Age close to S's.
Little living thing with buddha hands, sooner rather than later.
Would mean that those unpleasant cramps were a symptom and not something I will be enjoying every single month after insemination.

Cons:
Fatigue/symptoms might make it difficult for me to finish the bathroom renovations.
We could use extra time to come to terms with the idea, I think.
Donor agreement not yet executed, wtf.

In a week it'll all be over one way or another. I sure hope I get better at this two-week wait business. Although I still feel better than I did before we started. God, there is nothing on this green earth that I can be mellow about, is there?  You name it, I sweat it -- big stuff, small stuff, medium-sized stuff, microscopic stuff.  Is it my biology? Or was it being raised in an atmosphere of fear? I want courage. I need courage. What will give me courage? Maybe I need a tattoo. Changing my name will help. Whatever, I've begun, I've begun, that's brave enough, isn't it?