21DPO/16dp5dt beta

1406.
Progesterone: 321
.
Doubling time: 45.28 hours.

For those for whom these numbers do not immediately translate: the all-important doubling time is good at less than 48 hours. Not okay, good. The overall number is normal, just a titch off the mode. The progesterone is crazy, crazy high -- first trimester numbers are supposed to be around 15-50; by the third trimester it can reach 200. I haven't been able to find much information about what "ridiculously high progesterone" means, but the doctor doesn't seem concerned... probably it just means that I had really a lot of follicles, which have left behind them really a lot of corpus luteum-ses, each one of which probably thinks it's the only one and so is pumping out P4 as fast as it can. Bless their little yellow hearts.

Me: relieved, grateful, still scared, officially pregnanter than I've ever been.

How my family took it...

Well? They're excited? They were stunned? They're calling me every day? My mom read up on OHSS and quizzed me to make sure that I didn't have a severe case (I don't)?

I have such mixed feelings about having told them. Part of me wants to bask in the attention and approval, which I am finally receiving in buckets. The last thing I did that they really approved of was 12 years ago, when I enrolled in grad school. I dropped out a few years later, became a lesbian, it's all been downhill since then. They love me, and they try, but I can tell that they have to work really hard to be supportive of me and my choices.

I get tolerance, and I'm grateful for that. I don't get offended when they discuss, in front of me, what gift can possibly be large enough for them to give my sister and her husband for their upcoming 15th wedding anniversary (my darling and I have been together for 11 years, and no, I'm not holding my breathe waiting for a card). I reinforce them heavily every time they mention my partner's name or send her greetings or remember her birthday (which they have done two years running now -- major progress).

But yeah, I get tolerance. I don't get approval. Having it now is freaking me out a little, and maybe making me a little angry.

I didn't feel that I had much of a choice about telling them, since there was no way I could travel as huge and OHSS-y as I am. But I can't get past the thought: if I miscarry again, then not only will I be heartbroken but I'll have disappointed my parents.

In other news, keep staring at my taut abdomen. Whatcha doin in there, huh? Whatcha doin? Still alive? Gimme a sign, here.

11dp5dt/16dpo beta

224.

Progesterone: 298.

Doubling time: 49.9 hours. Not rock-star, but well within normal range (as opposed to my last 14-16dpo set, which were barely within normal range).

In other news, I'm enormous, bloated and largely immobile thanks to OHSS. Accordingly, I had to cancel plans to fly up to Boston to see my folks for Thanksgiving, which I knew would disappoint them terribly. Accordingly, I told them why.

holyshitholyshititoldthem

it felt wonderful but so, so naughty.

just. I don't know. I'm sitting here very quietly, sipping my V8 and homemade electrolyte drink, trying to make peace with the hope that keeps flaring within my heart. It seems so very dangerous, but it simply will not go away.

9dp5dt/14dpo beta

115.

Progesterone: 320.

Over the weekend I

1. peed on 1,214 sticks
2. convinced myself that the line was getting lighter, not darker
3. had weeping fits since it was clearly all over
   
4. gathered up all my peesticks and begged Her Indoors to hide them very, very well.

I think some of the leftover crazy from the miscarriage is bubbling over. I just can't help thinking of how high I was then and how fast and hard I fell. But that's the way of it, isn't it? There's no way to want something this precarious this much and not be in terrible danger.

I have been staring at the clock all day. These are the things I mentally rehearsed hearing:
Your results are back -- the beta was 8 and you can stop your medication.
The beta was 18
The beta was 26
The beta was 54

We're supposed to call for results between 3 and 4. At 2:59 I picked up the phone and the moments I was on hold I could have measured by the heartbeat pounding in my ears.

115 is a solidly normal beta. Not high, not low. Last time at 14dpo my beta was 74, on the low side, although not wildly so. 115 is a happy number. 115 is a healthy number. 115 is just fine.

In other news, no surprise, I have developed a mild case of OHSS. At least, I thought it was mild; when I went in to have my blood taken this morning, Inappropriate Lab Admin Asst took one look at me and said "You blowin' up again?" Me: "Looks like." Anyway, besides the OHSS, I feel pretty good. Not a lot in the way of symptoms except cramps, which don't concern me -- I figure it's just the embryo bedding down. No spotting at all.

Thanks so much for all of the good wishes and crossed fingers on my previous post. Really can't say how much it means to me that you are all out there rooting for us. I could never have anticipated the extent to which this has become a group project.

Next adventure: Wednesday's repeat beta. Since you all did such a splendid job with the finger-crossing for this beta, your next assignment is think doubley thoughts.

5dp5dt

I'm grateful. I'm hopeful. I'm cautious, but... so far so good, right? Yeah. Ever since the brief time I was pregnant I've been missing this, longing to feel this again -- the humming, the sense of busyness within my body, strange and wonderful, explosive with possibility.

Right here right now I am so glad to be here again. Keep your fingers crossed for me, y'all.

2dp5dt: the roller coaster continues

After the plunge from Saturday's embryo-quality news, I have been lifted up into the atmosphere again by the following news:

Eight of the remaining embryos turned into "very nice quality" (4AA or 4AB) by day 6 and were frozen! Eight! Eight! I expected to have nothing make it to freeze. And of course this is making me much more hopeful for the ones I have inside me. Maybe this batch of embryos are just slow but good-quality growers. That's okay with me.

Transfer day: another dose of mixed news

Good: the spotting, which was only slight, stopped entirely!

Not so good: I had 16 good-looking embryos on day 3. As of today, day 5, I had a couple of mediocre-looking embryos. First round we transferred one 4AA. This time the best we could do was 2BB. No one knows why, of course.

We had such good results the first time that I was barely worried about the embryos between days 3 and 5. Since worrying is how I stave off disaster, obviously this happened because I failed to worry properly. This mistake will not be repeated.

It was pretty upsetting to sashay in there, full of confidence, and get the news. But just because the chances are somewhat reduced doesn't mean that they're zero; babies are born all the time from less-than-perfect embryos.

Well, it is what it is. It's all over now but the waitin' and the hopin'.