It wasn't a big shock to me that the beta was negative. Of course I had been peeing on sticks all along, and although I know that some people get negative HPTs right up until their betas, that's rare. And rare things are... not common.
So here I am. It's amazing to me that I am now in the category of "two failed IVFs". Shouldn't I at least get partial credit for the miscarriage? Like, a D-? But no. Unlike horseshoes and nuclear weapons, close don't count.
I get one more try before my insurance runs out. One more try before IVF moves from "expensive" to "cripplingly expensive" and possibly "unfeasibly expensive".
I'm sore, emotionally and bum-wise. Over the past two days my bum has tipped over from "pretty much okay" to "owowowowow".
I'm sad. I'm scared. But this isn't the suckiest point of my journey.
Below I would like to submit My ratings of the suckiness of negative cycles, in ascending order ot suckitude.
6. BFN, home inseminations #2-8
5. BFN, home insemination #1
4. BFN, IUIs #2 & 3
3. BFN, IUI #1
2. BFN, IVF
1. 6w4d miscarriage
At least this time, unlike last time, I don't have the overwhelming sense of having been a sucker.
On the plus side, I managed to avoid both Chatty Phlebotomist and Inappropriate Lab Administrative Assistant and got my blood drawn by Ultra-Sweet Lab Manager. Also, after two months of metformin, I have effortlessly dropped 5 lbs. That might not seem like a big deal, but it's extremely difficult for me to budge even small amounts of weight without going all-out no-carb, and I'm pleased to have a bit more room in the ol' jeans.
Now I stop the progesterone and wait to bleed. Then a new cycle begins, hopefully without too much delay. I think I'm going to do an IUI next cycle, just to keep a hand in, y'know? Just a single IUI because I can't see blowing over $1200 on something with such a low chance of success (and yet, somehow, blowing $600 on the same chance seems perfectly reasonable. Hey, it's only half as crazy.)
The auguries were really great this cycle, too. Stupid auguries.
On that subject, I offer the following dialogue with The "Softscape" Promotional Magic 8-Ball that I got at some trade show:
Me: Why didn't the embryo implant? Was it something I did?
Softscape Magic 8-Ball: VERY LIKELY
Me: Is this ever going to work for me?
Softscape Magic 8-Ball: CANNOT FORTELL
Me: Am I going to lose my fucking mind?
Softscape Magic 8-Ball: PROSPECT GOOD
Maybe I've just been asking the wrong augurs. This one seems bang on.
"The auguries were really great this cycle, too. Stupid auguries."
ReplyDeleteI find this a lot more distressing than I should. I guess these things can't give us any information that we don't on some level have already?
Fucking shit. I'm sorry (and I know that is the lamest thing to say, so I'm sorry for that too).
ReplyDeleteI wish we were neighbors and we could hang out on each other's porches and talk shit until I made you laugh. Keep your chin up (and throw that 8 ball out the window).
I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis just bites. No one likes being a member of the multiple IVF club. At least you can stop PIO-- there is nothing worse than PIO injections when you feel utterly hopeless about the prospects of a BFP.
ReplyDeleteHave you, by any chance, had an immunology panel done? Most docs do not request them until you've had several miscarriages, but my doc did it after only 1, and it was the secret key to getting me pregnant finally-- w/out IVF even.
Yargh! :( Hugs, doll. xoxo
ReplyDeleteNo! I'm so sorry - this is not what should have happened. I think it makes perfect sense to do an IUI next cycle. $600 is worth it for a shot - you never know, right?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete(Just got back to reading a my favorite blogs after being out of commission for the last 3 weeks...)
ReplyDeleteDamn. This really sucks.