The view from Beta Hell

Second-guessing my decision to stay on meds. No matter what number I get tomorrow, it's not going to change the fact that the 15dpo number was 8.

Okay, let's think this through:

Option #1: chemical. The overwhelming chance is that this is chemical. If it's chemical, I'm simply prolonging the process. On the other hand, I'm not doing any harm to anything except my sense of serenity.

Option #2: miscarriage. The next largest chance is miscarriage; i.e., that it limps along for a few more weeks -- I get a number like 24 on Monday, and hey! it more than doubled! yay! Except that it's still only at 24. Then it doesn't quite double, goes up to, I dunno, 41. Okay, okay, almost a decent doubling time, and the doubling time's a range, right? Then the next beta is great. Let's say a 39 hour doubling time, woo hoo! This continues, a grab bag of mediocre and great results, until finally the doctor says "enough with the betas, come back for an ultrasound in a few weeks." I do and: there's no heartbeat. Or there is a heartbeat, and I get released to an OB. At 10 weeks I go in and... there's no heartbeat. Even if I'm lucky and it all passes naturally, it a) hurts and b) takes me months to get my period back so we can start again. This is the worst-case scenario, except for equally hideous

Option #3: ectopic. In this universe, everything proceeds exactly as with Option #2, except that at 6 weeks there's nothing in my uterus. I get a big fat shot of methotrexate, and wait for everything to work its way out (I'm not even running the mental simulation of if the shot doesn't work. Just no.) It a) hurts and b) takes me months to get my period back so we can start again.

Option #4: live birth. This is the unicorn I would be chasing by keeping going with my meds if tomorrow's beta has any sort of decent rise. This is the unicorn that all of us who google "beta hell success stories" chase.

#3 is out of my hands, right; even if I stop the meds, an ectopic would still keep going even without progesterone and estrogen. I just have to keep my fingers crossed for that one. Stopping meds promptly would cut short the tedious and unpleasant #1, and bypass the excrutiating #2. On the other hand, it would be eliminating the slim possibility of #4.

I just don't know. I'm not a gambler, I've never bought a lottery ticket in my life. Chemical + miscarriage = 90%. I could logic myself into saying that since it's so likely that I'm in the 90%, I should stop my meds. But... the truth is, I wouldn't be doing it out of certainty that I'm in the 90% of chemical + m/c; I'd be doing it out of fear that I'm in the 10% of miscarriage.

Prudence? Fear? The smart decision, or the pussy one?

Writing it all out makes me feel better, but I'm still not sure what I'm going to do if, tomorrow, the number has gone up in any sort of meaningful way.