Selective attention

• Everywhere I go I see pregnant women and tiny babies and brothers and sisters clinging to each other. It's okay, it'll fade, it's just such an odd phenomenon.
  
  
• Her Indoors keeps dreaming that we lose Small Boy (literally, in  a crowd or something). Last night I dreamed that he was kidnapped, but I beat up a building full of thugs and got him back. He ran outside to my getaway car (and old Jeep. I'm not sure what that means) and I worried about the lack of an approved carseat, but threw up my hands and drove away anyway. So in the end, I guess it was an empowering dream.
  
  
• The bills from the D&C are rolling in and... I owe nothing! Turns out I hit my out-of-pocket maximum right before all that. It's surprising how soothing that discovery is.
  
  
• All quiet on the uterine front. Trying to get my medical records (fruitless so far), waiting for my appointment with Big Shiny Fertility Factory.
  
  
• Working up to a post on the subject of Ooops Pregnancies and the Infertile Blogger.
  
  
• My health insurance was actually real sweet when I called them. I was armed to the teeth in Sarcastic Mode and they instantly disarmed me. The person at the other end of the phone apologized twice, and said "I'm sorry for your loss." It is amazing just how good it is to hear those words from an outside party. I remember when going over my history with the nurse who was doing our non-stress tests, I had to mention the first miscarriage, and the nurse said "oh, I'm sorry". And I was so grateful to her for just stopping for two seconds to acknowledge that. It really does mean something.
  
  
• The last Saturday passed without notice. This is a good thing because it means I've stopped counting. I had to look at a calendar just now to confirm that yes, it would have been 9 weeks. But you know, it wouldn't have. That blast just didn't have what it needed to survive; there's no world where that particular embryo turned into our child. The aberration was that it implanted at all.
  
  I'm on one of those birth-month boards and at least 80% of the posters have a second child by now, or are in the process of building one.  Now I'm starting to see the posts from women who got pregnant at the same time I did, but with a happier ending. At first it was acutely painful, but as time goes on and our fates diverge, it starts to feel less personal. I was never on that road. I only thought I was.