5dp5dt: the color of fear

that would be red. none of it yet, but I wouldn't expect it this early. I have a solid 14-day luteal period even when I'm not shooting up progesterone.

I have been TTC since January of 2007. Those 15 months have included 6 home inseminations (1/07 - 7/07), 2 monitored doctor-deployed ICIs (8/07 - 9/07), one month skipped for sperm-analysis/KD's surgery (10/07), 2 IUIs with frozen sperm (11/07-12/07), one round skipped because we were in Vegas (1/08), and one round of IVF (2/08 - present). Doesn't quite add up to 15 because I have a long cycle and thus get my period <12 times/yr.

Not sure why I'm recounting it, except that it seems relevant to my title, fear. I'm scared. Not necessarily of getting a negative on this round of IVF, but of what it will do to me.

The past 15 months have not improved me. I have not because wiser, kinder, more compassionate. I think I was a much better person 15 months ago. I used to be at least somewhat social. Now I'm a hermit, and I don't want to be any other way. I don't want to talk about it in RL, so I sure don't want to tell any more than a few select people. That means the majority of my friends have no idea what's been consuming me for the past year plus. I know I've withdrawn, and I imagine most of them assume that I've dropped them for new (invisible) friends, and think that I can go to hell. And really, they're perfectly justified in thinking that. I've become completely self-centered. I've forgotten birthdays, ignored milestones. All I can think about is my ovaries. I can apologize, but I can't promise different behavior in the future. I have so little to offer right now.

I do want to be grateful for the things that 15mo of TTC haven't ruined. My dearest friendships have remained unaffected. I've met so many wonderful people inside the computer. My work life, strangely, has been great, my job's gotten much more interesting and engaging. My darling and I are closer than ever. TTC has never come between us -- well, not except the one month, our last home insem, when she squirted the sperm into me and some came oozing out and she stared at my crotch and unthinkingly said "ewwww". I burst into tears, but the fact is that we were both under a lot of stress at the time.

I'm just afraid of becoming (even more) soured by disappointment. Callous-er, bitter-er, jealous-er, more guarded, more isolated. I know none of this is inevitable, but I really don't seem to have the will to keep up a good attitude.

For me, a good attitude isn't This will work, rah, rah! It's if this doesn't work, I will be okay, and my personality won't be in shreds.