gah gah gah

Just talked the RE's office. Dr. S is going to be away and between one thing and another my egg retrieval and transfer will likely not be until April.

I can't stand this. I mean, I will stand it, it's hardly the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone ever. But right now I feel like drumming my heels. I am sick, sick, sick of waiting, listening to time pass while everything goes on around me, bellies swell, children grow, the world is moving and I am. waiting.

I need a word that isn't infertility, I don't know if I'm infertile or not, I've barely been able to try. But there still needs to be a word for extended unsuccessful TTC. EUTTC, how's that?

The thing about EUTTC is that it is and isn't infertility. I've never been an infertile straight person so I can't say, but I don't feel the same grim resignation that I see on the faces of infertile straight couples in the RE's waiting room. They feel entitled to have their babies by joyful sexing, and cheated that they can't. And I don't feel that my body, or my husband's body, has let me down.

Nevertheless, I think that infertility and EUTTC have a lot in common, including this feeling of being frozen in time, outside the rhythm of reproduction, left out, left behind, looking through the window at the cozy fire in a house that isn't yours.