Warning: it's Self-Pity Wednesday
It is now day twenty fucking five of this cycle and no sign of ovulation.
CD5: E2 33
CD18: E2 48 (LH 4.6)
CD24: E2 36 (LH 8.2)
That's right. It went DOWN. I'm waiting for it hit 100 before we can be reasonably sure that I'm on the path to ovulation. I had been encouraged by the fact that it rose a little between CD 5-18. But now it's practically down to the start. Those E2 levels are right about normal day 3 values. This means we are weeks and weeks from any action.
I just want to get started again. I just want to move on. I am unreasonably furious. I hate this. June, July, August. The world is speeding along and I'm waiting and waiting just to get another chance. Time moves differently for those who are pregnant, for those who have children. Time is not my friend.
I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm sad, I'm so, so angry. I guess the anger should be a clue that on some level I feel entitled, that I deserve this. Really I know that I don't, any more than I deserve my good health or ludicrous wealth. All the grazillions of people who conceived since I started trying, they don't deserve it, but neither do I. There is no desert, just dumb, dumb luck. Fertility rains on the just and unjust. I've been on the right side of dumb luck for health and wealth, so naturally I feel entitled to be on the right side of luck for this too.
Huh. I just looked up the "just and unjust" quote. It's originally from the Book of Matthew in the New Testament, to wit:
...He maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
I'm not Christian (nor well-read in such matters), so I wasn't familiar with the original source -- I knew it only from the Victorian jingle
The rain it raineth every day
Upon the just and unjust fella,
But more upon the just because
The unjust hath the just's umbrella.
(somewhat uncertainly attribute to Lord Bowen)
I'm pretty sure that the rain in the New Testament quote is meant to be a good thing, in a agricultural sort of way, whereas by Bowen's time it's clearly an urban annoyance.
There's some philosophical nutmeat there but durned if I can be bothered to pick it out.
In conclusion, I still don't like Wednesdays.
It *is* maddening. It's not fair and I just hate that there's nothing I can *do*. Except think of you with love I guess--which I am doing.
ReplyDeleteWednesdays blow. I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this. It must be so frustrating. Thinking of you. xox
ReplyDeleteHow frustrating! That's major suck. It's really true what you say - no one deserves this anymore than anyone else. It does all boil down to luck and I get pissed when people claim they have the magical fix to your unpregnancy problems.
ReplyDeleteI hope you ovulate soon.
BTW, thanks for the link to spermconfirm. It's way cheaper than NWA and we're going to use it.
Oh man. I totally understand your frustration and impatience. Waiting sucks.
ReplyDeleteAnd, the level of frustration and anger doesn't seem totally unreasonable. It shouldn't be so hard to have a baby...
May you ovulate soon.
Hi, I read your blog but don't think that I have ever posted. I love this post, it is so not fair and it is maddning to sit and have to dwell on that fact. I hope that you ovulate soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm coming here from Insert Metaphor and I want to say how sorry I am about your miscarriage. I had one in February and it fucking sucks, no two ways about it. The way you are feeling about time really resonated with me-- it is so hard not to feel stuck in this place (and yet so aware of time going by). I'm hoping that Thursday has been better than Wednesday was--
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping Thursday has been better too. Let me know and I'll send you the official Misfit Miscarriage Club mixed CDs courtesy of Egg Dance. Yelling along helps.
ReplyDeleteI want to send that CD. And I'm worried about you because it is Wednesday. I hope you hanging in there.
ReplyDelete(and i'm sending it as soon as you send me address. said in my not stalkerish voice. i have references.)