Okay, breaktime's over.

I'm ready to start again.

It's been a good extra month. I am hypertensive, and there is a rather short list of pregnancy-safe medications (which of course I've been on temporarily for, oh, two years now while TTC). I was on a high dose of labetalol, which worked okay but made me super tired all the time and also dizzy whenever I bent down.

At the start of last month I thought "fuck it, I have to start living my real life, baby or no baby." So as part of the reclaiming-my-life project, I marched down to my GP and told her I wasn't happy on labetalol.  I've found an alternative (nifedipine) that appears to be working, and omg how much do I love not dreading buying something from the bottom shelf at the supermarket. I hadn't realized what a drag constantly trying to not squat or bend down was. I feel freeeeeeee!

My energy has come back, too. I'm in a positive feedback loop right now where because I'm not so tired, I'm getting a lot more exercise, which in turn energizes me. I've also put some major effort into upgrading my diet. Her Indoors was away for a whole week and I was rather afraid I'd starve, and so bought some meal-replacement spirulina-peatmoss-whatever protein shake mix.  That got me started on a smoothie kick,and I discovered that having breakfast and lunch smoothies seems infinitely easier to me than preparing and packing breakfast and lunch. I got a one-serve portable blender and have been going wild. For breakfast this morning I had coconut milk, soy butter, kale, and strawberries.  Lunch was avocado, kefir, spinach, cilantro, lime.  Nommm! I don't really do the protein powder shakes any more, but it's comforting to have them as a backup in case I just can't be arsed to cook (in the past, when I couldn't be arsed I'd just eat whatever random crapola came strolling by my desk). I haven't eaten this well in years, and I am actually approaching a so-called-"normal" BMI for the first time in about a decade.

And yeah, did I mention more energy? I've been taking Small Boy to the playground every day, which is awful good for both of us. Small Boy is an awesome small boy, and does something side-splittingly funny at least four times a day.

I dunno, things have just been good.  The last miscarriage is far enough in the past that it all seems like a dream now. Come on, what was I thinking? Pregnancy seems mysterious, remote, something that happens to other people.  Remote feels much better than just-outside-my-reach.

So of course, now that I'm feeling calm and happy and healthy, what I need to do is fuck it all up. Get back on that crazytrain of tests, hormones, appointments, waiting uncertainty, peeing on strips of cardboard, squinting at lines.

I'm expecting my period to start in the next few days. Between days 5-15 I'll have an HSG. If that looks okay (please) I'll start another FET cycle.

Really, with that much fun? How could I stay away?

Doom and gloom

So, there's a colleague of mine who for paperwork reasons became aware that I was doing IVF. She was really sweet about it, warmly wishing me luck. A few months later, she turned up pregnant for the first time (how do I know it was her first time? Because she announced it immediately. Women who've had a miscarriage don't do that.). She's in her mid-40s.

It was not a great leap for me to conclude that she had had fertility treatments, quite possibly donor egg, and that it was a long road for her to get there. She was due in November.

The other night, lying awake I suddenly thought "What ever happened to Nice Colleague's baby?  I never heard anything about... oh, god." I checked her online registry and only a very few things had been purchased.

And I lay there for a while, thinking about the fact that I don't know her well enough to sally up and say "hey, dead baby or what?" and feeling awful that at the end of what was probably a long journey, things turned out badly. And hurting for her for what it must have been like socially, given that she told everyone and then some.

So the next day I went to my friend who knows her a bit better and said, "hey, what about Nice Colleague's baby?" My friend furrowed her brow and said "Ummm... Ella? No, that's not it. Katie."

And that was that. Katie is fine. She was just low-key about it, didn't announce the birth to the whole world I guess, maybe had another registry someplace else or had friends who liked to buy things off-registry. She's fine. They're both fine. She and her husband are new parents.

I was staggered with relief. And then I thought huh, maybe I should try not to jump directly from didn't see a birth announcement  to oh, dead baby.

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In other news, having an HSG next month to see if my pathetic periods are because my adhesions have returned, or because of who knows what. Please no adhesions. I would really rather not have to do all that again.