12dpt3dt: beta day

It wasn't a big shock to me that the beta was negative. Of course I had been peeing on sticks all along, and although I know that some people get negative HPTs right up until their betas, that's rare. And rare things are... not common.

So here I am. It's amazing to me that I am now in the category of "two failed IVFs". Shouldn't I at least get partial credit for the miscarriage? Like, a D-? But no. Unlike horseshoes and nuclear weapons, close don't count.

I get one more try before my insurance runs out. One more try before IVF moves from "expensive" to "cripplingly expensive" and possibly "unfeasibly expensive".

I'm sore, emotionally and bum-wise. Over the past two days my bum has tipped over from "pretty much okay" to "owowowowow".

I'm sad. I'm scared. But this isn't the suckiest point of my journey.

Below I would like to submit My ratings of the suckiness of negative cycles, in ascending order ot suckitude.

6. BFN, home inseminations #2-8
5. BFN, home insemination #1
4. BFN, IUIs #2 & 3
3. BFN, IUI #1
2. BFN, IVF
1. 6w4d miscarriage

At least this time, unlike last time, I don't have the overwhelming sense of having been a sucker.

On the plus side, I managed to avoid both Chatty Phlebotomist and Inappropriate Lab Administrative Assistant and got my blood drawn by Ultra-Sweet Lab Manager. Also, after two months of metformin, I have effortlessly dropped 5 lbs. That might not seem like a big deal, but it's extremely difficult for me to budge even small amounts of weight without going all-out no-carb, and I'm pleased to have a bit more room in the ol' jeans.

Now I stop the progesterone and wait to bleed. Then a new cycle begins, hopefully without too much delay. I think I'm going to do an IUI next cycle, just to keep a hand in, y'know? Just a single IUI because I can't see blowing over $1200 on something with such a low chance of success (and yet, somehow, blowing $600 on the same chance seems perfectly reasonable. Hey, it's only half as crazy.)

The auguries were really great this cycle, too. Stupid auguries.

On that subject, I offer the following dialogue with The "Softscape" Promotional Magic 8-Ball that I got at some trade show:

Me: Why didn't the embryo implant? Was it something I did?
Softscape Magic 8-Ball: VERY LIKELY
Me: Is this ever going to work for me?
Softscape Magic 8-Ball: CANNOT FORTELL
Me: Am I going to lose my fucking mind?
Softscape Magic 8-Ball: PROSPECT GOOD

Maybe I've just been asking the wrong augurs. This one seems bang on.

7dp3dt: nope

I was nervous and sickish all day, because the last time I got a positive on the evening of 5dp5dt, which equates to 7dp3dt.

Not this time. Stolidly negative.

I can't decide whether I should be holding on to hope or preparing myself for failure. I believe that attitude counts for bupkiss, so it's strictly a question of what will serve me better. Probably that means I should be steeling myself for the negative. After all, no one needs preparation to be happy.

Right now, in my progesterone funk, all I can think is I can't do this. But of course I can, and I will. I'm not close to quitting, and the alternative to quitting is marching on. My insurance allows three IVF attempts, but unlimited IUIs. I could keep going for a long time. I don't know what else to do.

4dp3dt: wild mood swings

Things I had at this point last cycle that I don't have now:

1. Heartburn
2. Lots of cramps
3. OHSS
4. A sore bum from the progesterone shots

Things I have now that I didn't have at this point last cycle:

1. The ability to stand up straight
2. Possibly a few little tiny cramps that disappear in the surge of adrenalin as soon as I pay any attention to them
3. A numb bum/upper thigh from the progesterone shots.

Stuff I'm grateful for:

1. One of my 8-celled embryos turned into... wait for it... a 5AA hatching blast! It was cryo'd on Monday, I believe. I'm stunned and grateful. I really didn't think I was going to get anything frozen out of this cycle. As me old mam used to say, there's no security like embryos in the bank.
2. As I type, some sturdy young men are installing our new Ikea kitchen. So! excited! Soon we will have actual cabinet space, and counter space, and ev'rything. Cannot wait. It's wonderfully distracting. I may not be able to will the world into giving me a baby, but dammit, I can with certain success go out and get myself a kitchen.
3. All the people who left me "fingers crossed"-type comments. Knowing that there are all these people out there pulling for us -- it's. well. it's nice. Really nice.
   

I am careening wildly between believing that this IVF worked and being sure it didn't. Stared at the baby stuff in Ikea last night, but also planned in great detail how and where I'm going to cry if it's negative. On the whole, considering how batshit crazy progesterone makes me, I'm doing okay.

Compacting Embryo On Board

Out of the four survivors, three were still chugging along. Two 8-cell grade 2, one grade 2 "early compaction".

No grade 1s this time. Last time I had 7 8 cell grade 1s on day 3, so who knows why the quality was down this time. Compacting is good, though, slightly ahead for the timeframe.

There was zero chance of going to 5 day. We transferred the compacting embryo. It's odd for me to imagine because a 3-day embryo needs 2 more days before it is ready to implant; right now, it's not attached to my uterus, it's just... hanging out in there.

I dearly hope.

Beta August 20, stick-peeing commences next Friday, August 15.

O.O

Fertilization Report

The good news: 8 were mature.

The bad news: only 4 fertilized, even with ICSI.

Heading for a three day transfer, if one makes it.

God this cycle sucks. Do I have to chose between being having OHSS and barely/not making it to transfer?

I'm sure my mood will come around but right now I just feel so goddamn sad. Sad that this all has to be so painful and difficult and scary and expensive. Scared of what will happen when we run out our last covered cycle and have to look at raising (read: borrowing) the money.

And of course the chances are that we won't have multiple high-quality embryos, which will greatly up the pressure to transfer more than one, and I've already decided that we can't do that, we just can't. But it will make it all the more painful knowing that our chances are farther reduced from last time, and will torment me all the more if it doesn't work. 3 day transfers are less successful (possibly because people who do 3 day transfers generally have fewer embryos to choose from, fewer eggs, lower quality).

I don't know. I'm sore and I'm sad and I just don't know what to do.

Retrieval Day

Still groggy, but I wanted to note that

- I feel a thousand, million, quizillion times better than last time. I thought that maybe I was a real wimp, but in fact getting 25 eggs sucked out while you've got OHSS is an entirely different experience than having 9 eggs sucked out when you're healthy.

- Right, 9 eggs! I don't think for a second that any more than the 6 we saw will be mature, but maybe I am hopeful that all 6 could be mature. Maybe?

- Anesthesia is truly a miracle.

- I'm kind of sore, kind of sleepy, but I can totally imagine getting dressed and going to work tomorrow. Did I mention SO MUCH BETTER THAN LAST TIME.

- It's only 11am, which means I have a long lovely day stretched out ahead of me involving naps, the last two episodes of House, Magnificent Seven, and Project Gutenberg (where I have been working my way through Horatio Alger's oeuvre. No, I can't explain it. Perhaps the exploits of boot-blacks and newsboys just show my current life situation to good effect).

Sleepy now! Hart to all of you who sent me lovely warm thoughts.

Day 10: And then there were six

Six follicles at today's scan. That'd be Harry Luck that we lost, then. Didn't expect to lose one so soon, but the scriptwriters like to keep some surprises, don't they?

I trigger tonight at 8 pm. Retrieval 8 am Tuesday.

ETA: E2, 1938.

Day 8: still 7

This morning's scan says that the Magnificent Seven are still, well, seven. Doc did mention that my over-or-low response is is not atypical for PCOS women. That means that for next time/if there's a next time I'll get to choose between a small number of eggs or overresponding. Yay.

Holding the dose steady at 150/75. I'll get scanned again on Sunday, which will likely be trigger day. That will make for a Tuesday retrieval and a Friday or Sunday transfer. Which one will be entirely determined by the condition of the embryos on Day 3.

In other news, I see pregnant people. Rode upstairs on the elevator with a genuine belly-rubber, enthusiastically polishing her perfectly round belly as if it were Aladdin's lamp. Stood in line at the cafeteria with a woman loudly proclaiming only three weeks left to go. I'm choosing to see all this as good omen and not the universe taunting me.

I am so ready for the weekend.

ETA: E2 - 910